Some people cannot be helped. No matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you extend your hand, some individuals cannot grasp it. It hurts to know this, to feel this. I’ve known this intellectually from a very early age, but to emotionally accept it with those whom you were once connected with hurts to a new level. There are some who can heal, at least, to some extent, and I’ve had my fair share of those people in my life as well, however, many are not so fortunate. The truth is, the one I speak of today has been used and abused by drugs for years. The types of drugs have varied, but the point is, this is a warning. A warning to all those who may have considered drugs, or have started using them. The last thing you should do is rely on a substance, and this is why.
This is not the first time I have mentioned this individual, and I find it unlikely it will be the last. Our interactions began when I was 16 or 17, it’s hard to remember exactly, and we connected on an unexpected platform: Roblox. I was just following one friend around, and he brought me to an instance with one other person in it, and I can’t quite remember all that was said. However, I can remember one comment, which most would consider odd, confusing, and gross, which was, “You will prolapse.” Why was this not blocked by Roblox’s terrible chat filter? Who knows, maybe it was fate, but for whatever reason, this made me attracted to this person.
Eventually we connected off of that platform, and went on Discord instead. It’s actually quite difficult to remember any of the messages we exchanged in the early days aside from the sexual ones, which is not the focus here. At this time, he was playing games like Roblox and Dota 2, I suspect because he lacked ambition to be more, and because he wanted to latch onto his childhood. It’s not like I was, nor am, innocent of this either, as I still have thoughts of playing those games, but those days are over. All I can do, or that any one can do, is form new memories in the present to look back upon in the future.
As for the drugs he was using at this time, I can remember weed, alcohol, and psychedelics being the common ones. I don’t remember the names of many of the other substances though, but he was doing LSD, possibly shrooms, and a little later, DXM. In the beginning, he was mentally acute and aware, and I enjoyed this, as it was nice to have someone to have decent conversation with. However, as time went on, as you will see, that did not last. Quite frankly, I developed a huge amount as well, which was also a considerable factor in our further disconnect, but it was mostly his drug use, and then later, abuse, I imagine. Anyway, he would talk about drugs often, because he was very interested in them. As much as many would not like to admit, weed is undeniably a gateway drug, and this is a clear case of that, as that is where it started for him.
Psychedelics are not harmless but they cannot harm you in the same way meth can, or how DXM can, or fentanyl—you get the idea. They cannot be simply taken again and again at higher doses, and there aren’t “highs” like with other drugs. Perhaps they can be insightful, beautiful even, but they just as equally can be horrifying and nightmarish. In his experience, it was mostly positive, or so I remember. There were other esoteric psychedelics he took that I can’t remember the names of, too. I know he did DMT at one point or another, but I don’t know how that impacted him, or even if it did. I mean, these were the early stages, which were pretty harmless relative to everything else. He made a few videos while on LSD which fascinated me in the past, but no longer in the present.
I’m sure he did more drugs in this interlude to the more present day, but once again, I cannot remember them. Really, I don’t know exactly when this began, maybe two years ago? Something like that. I’m speaking of when he began to use amphetamines, and to be specific, methamphetamines. I don’t even know when he admitted what he was doing to me. It must’ve begun 3 or 4 years ago, because during that time, he was taking meth in the form of presses, specifically, Adderall presses. He claims to not have known they were meth, but I think that’s bullshit. If you know a thing or two, you would realize you cannot buy pharmacy drugs cheaply, and so those claiming they can, are most definitely scamming you in one way or another. He was already deep into drugs by this point, so there was no way he was not aware of this. At the time, he didn’t tell me this was happening, either. I had no idea. Apparently, he was starting out slow, but things escalated quickly. He was taking 5-10 presses a day, or something like that, and staying up for days. At this point there was no excuse for his behavior.
We had many moments of disconnecting and reconnecting before I finally put an end to things. At that point in time, it was when I got to work, checked my phone, and was being told to hang myself, and something to do with prolapsing. He was then cut off for the moment, and I continued living my miserable life without his presence. It’s hard to say when he came back into the picture, because even then, I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know what meth-heads acted like, I just knew that things were strange, like his inability to write a coherent sentence and his hyper-sexuality.
In fact, I’m not sure when that hyper-sexuality reached its peak. It could have been at this time, or in the near future, but as far as he told me, he could not get hard, but was incredibly and insatiably horny. This was also someone I shared nude pictures with, something that obviously was not wise. The point is, it reached a peak when he wanted to do things that would obviously cause me pain; which I will not describe here, and many other things within that realm. In response to these comments, I told him I was uncomfortable, which caused him to be angry at me. After this, I promptly removed him again.
How does someone like this get by? Well, he lived with his parents, so he didn’t have to worry about rent, but he did have some expenses, and he had to somehow get high again. The secret was: delivery apps. Or really, it wasn’t a secret. Basically, he would spend all day just doing these delivery apps, which really, paid quite poorly. He was obsessed with his car and the roads, for which he would rant about to me, and he would upload many of his rants onto YouTube, but are thankfully now since deleted. It, his obsession with roads, in my mind, stems from his obvious autism, because there were other things he would obsess over before this.
Some things already mentioned were Roblox and Dota 2, but after he started taking meth, all that he communicated with me was two things: his car and roads. There was an obsession over the names of roads, for whatever reason. Not only this, but from what I understood, he would spend all day working. Was this true? It’s hard to say, but I thought he was trying to save up as much as possible to move out and improve his life, but this was not the case. I once asked him how much he had saved, and it was some small amount, which I questioned him about, and he only said that, “he had bills.” Of course, I imagine the majority of his money was going to meth at this point in time.
Besides the weird obsessions and uncomfortably sexual things, he would also ramble extensively. Most, if not all of these rambles were incomprehensible. I had no idea what he was going on about most of the time, and with further use of the drug, and likely other substances, it only became more common for him to ramble. Before going into the first “large” event, I feel like I must acknowledge a question likely in the minds of many, which is, “Why did you associate with this person despite knowing they were abusing drugs?”
I think the most impactful or significant variable which allowed me to associate with this person, and sort of communicate, was because of my past experience with people like this. I’m referring to a particular person, and at relatively young ages, I was exposed to multiple schizophrenic episodes, of which initially, I had no idea what was happening. It’s not like these were from drugs, or so I don’t believe they were, but if they were, it was just an extreme case of weed abuse. However, with that person, it didn’t have to do with drugs, it was rather his mental illness, and nothing more. At the time, I had no idea what was happening, either. Due to my continued exposure to this person during these episodes, I must have normalized it, while anyone else would have rationally tried to get as far away as possible upon being exposed to the insanity that is the mind of a schizophrenic while they are deluded. Not now, or so I don’t think, but in the past, I think that exposure caused me to be attracted to that behavior. Obviously, with my continued growth, I realized this was not acceptable, and not something I should be around, if I could help it.
The first large event, that I can recall anyway, was when he got into an accident and totaled his car. After telling me about these events, the car crash and whatnot, he tried to explain it as if he was being chased or something, and that was what caused the crash. Maybe due to my unawareness, I really didn’t know or understand that he was totally deluded. I thought there was a chance maybe something like this was happening, but no, he was psychotic and delusional, and anyone with a little more maturity than me then would have realized this and would have immediately cut contact and never tried to stay around for as long as I did. So yes, he was delusional, and what from, you might ask? Staying up for multiple days on meth. In the midst of it, he told me these things like they were totally real and rational, or at least, that’s what he tried to do. Obviously, they were not. He was relatively uninjured from the crash, from my memory anyway, but how would he make money to keep his meth addiction going? This enters his second saga of sorts, where he now obsesses over a different vehicle: a Toyota Camry.
Before, as I did not mention, he used a Miata, but that would be out of use due to the damage caused by his actions: the crash. Instead, he would now obsess over his Camry, or what I believe to be his. It might have actually been his mother’s, but once again, my recollection of each particular detail fails me. Despite this, I remember much of it, like how he drove the shit out of this vehicle next. Thankfully, he never got into an accident in this one. However, I remember some things did happen, but I don’t remember the extent of what happened to the car. Like, he had replacement doors and the like; for what reasons, I’m unsure.
If you know anything about someone who abuses stimulants, or in this case, meth, they love to tinker non-stop, if such things are there for them to tinker on. These things did vary, but where I’m going with this is that he would tinker the Camry extensively. I don’t really know anything about cars, and I don’t even like them, but he spent a lot of time doing… things to that car. Aside from those tinker moments, he also was delusional in some of his tinkering, and I’m referring to his desktop computer. Maybe this wouldn’t even be considered tinkering, but he had taken apart his computer multiple times because he thought he was being spied on. He did this so many times that many, if not all, of his components stopped working, so he had to buy new hardware, which he tinkered with in a more “normal” way, like overclocking.
Things basically kept on like this for an extended period of time. He was arguably a functioning addict, and he was also doing other drugs at the time, which were also awful, but once again, I don’t even know the names of many of them. I remember he would take multiple substances at once, very often, of which one combination I do remember. This was a mix of a stimulant, in this case, meth, and a benzo, in this case, probably alprazolam. Apparently, he did this very often, but eventually stopped, as it is terrible for your heart, and he was very concerned over his health, but not to the extent to stop his addiction. Basically, he would do drugs, continue to do his driving and delivery app work, and do this enough to get his high again. It’s not like there was total stagnation; things were actually always getting worse. Things like his paranoia, delusions, and psychosis were becoming common occurrences.
How does someone like this get help? Well, they definitely won’t want help, but they can be forced into it by others or by circumstances they don’t have control over. It’s genuinely surprising to me that he never got “officially” kicked out. There was one moment where he sort of was, but that was a very temporary thing. I’m both surprised and confused at the fact that his parents never called the police or anything. What mostly definitely did happen was that the Camry finally broke down, and he had no ability to do work, which meant he could not make money, so then he could not buy meth. Before speaking of that particular ending, I want to mention one more significant event happening.
This was when he was pseudo-kicked-out, or something like that. Basically, from what he told me anyway, he drove for multiple hours straight, dangerously. I think he said he believed he was being chased by police again. The point is, he drove more at once than he had ever done in his entire life. This then caused him to drive over multiple state lines, if I remember correctly, or if not, it was just something equally as absurd. At one point, I think he did have an interaction with a police officer, but he wasn’t arrested or anything. I don’t remember that interaction, but even if I did, it would have described in a way that would be coated with psychotic and delusional paint, making it hard to understand to anyone but himself.
Going back to the end, or what I would consider one particular end, was when he could no longer drive. I think he actually did buy meth, but did not receive it, and he could not buy more. I imagine the come-down was agonizing and excruciating, but he made it through, and eventually, he received proper help. After getting help, or being forced into it, he was also helped in getting a job at a hospital, where he worked when I last spoke to him.
Even after receiving proper help, getting a job, and so on, he could not stop doing drugs. He relapsed on multiple things, including meth, although in the form of presses, just like how things had started, but I think that was able to stop, but what do I know? It wouldn’t surprise me if that abuse continued and he did a very good job of hiding it from me. He did various other drugs as well, and it was obvious when he was doing drugs again, or at least, large amounts or more extreme drugs. His text messages would be incomprehensible. He wouldn’t be able to spell anything correctly, and he would either stop messaging me or spam utter garbage. Imagine you have cut this person out of your life multiple times, but you continue to give them chances. You would expect them to care, right? Despite them telling you to kill yourself multiple times, rape-y messages, and utter nonsense, you would try to hold through, and beg them to change, to help them change. The reality is, as much as it hurts to admit, such things are fruitless. If the person does not want to change, you cannot change them. So, what was the final breaking point? What finally caused me to decide that I cannot keep this person in my life anymore, and finally stop trying, because otherwise, I would only be continually hurting myself?
He put mercury up his ass. I’m not joking. He didn’t tell me this directly, my other friend connected with me told me this, and then I blocked him and have no intention of connecting with him again. You can only give someone so many chances. Sometimes, as much as it hurts to admit, some people cannot change. Some will continually destroy their life, and it hurts, but you can’t put yourself through that forever. I obviously cannot, and it’s sad, and this is something that upsets me greatly, but you have to give up sometimes. The last messages he sent to me before I blocked him could be summed up as confusing gibberish; a sign of drug use based on my past experience with him. Even if it weren’t mercury, it clearly was something.
As an aside before continuing on, he made an alternative account to ask why I had cut contact, as he was confused to why this happened. Supposedly, he did not put mercury inside of or on his body, but he did inhale it, so he says. In whatever case, it doesn’t really matter, because doing anything in that realm is absurd, and just because he was able to admit to that particular event does not mean other events he has not mentioned did not or are not happening. He had a past history of lying to me, and I’m sure that never stopped, despite me wishing it would.
Why do I share all of these experiences? It isn’t about this person in specific, aside from his susceptibility to drugs and addiction, but instead, about how terrible drugs are. I want to dissuade you from even considering drugs. It’s not like he wanted this anymore than I wanted it for him, but there are reasons for it. Being predisposed to an addictive personality is one, but above all else, it was because he wanted to deal with his pain. He was, and from my knowledge, still is, in pain. Maybe now, much of that is self-created, which only makes things worse, but it wasn’t like he initially started like that. Like all of us, he was dealt cards outside of his own choice, and that lead to loneliness, a lack of opportunity, a feeling of being hated, and a need to ease the pain from dealing with these things. It may have only started with weed, but it clearly got out of control very quickly.
I don’t mean to suggest weed will lead you to do meth, or really, any other drug, at least for the majority of people. However, for the minority, it can, and likely will, develop into something more; something worse than you could ever imagine. If you use weed, or really any drug, to ease the pain you feel, you should be wary of your actions. The reality is, you will begin to rely on it for functioning, and even worse, like all things, you will eventually want more. Please avoid drug use if you can, there are many other alternatives that aren’t drugs that could help you instead. Therapy, friends, family, and more harmless escapes from reality, like video games. These things will not destroy your life, unlike drugs.
Another thing that motivated me to write this was someone in my server saying they wanted to do DMT. For what reason, you may ask? They wanted to “find answers.” Thankfully, everyone in the server, at least the one’s that chat most predominately, were totally against this. This person had no prior experience with psychedelics nor any other drug, at least as far as I was aware. Maybe inherently, DMT is not a bad thing, or a bad drug, or it isn’t addictive, but I tried to share an important message in, “To you.” That was you cannot use psychedelics, or really, any drug, for your own purposes.
In that piece, I hope my agony and confusion was enough to convince you that drugs are to be avoided, and cannot be used for your own purposes. If you try to do this, it will only harm you, and likely cause more damage and pain than you could even begin to imagine. 1000mcg of LSD might have helped me in the long run, but I didn’t need to use a drug to make me see the things I did. Maybe my circumstance was different, but that’s not a reasonable excuse, because everyone who can, will say their circumstance is also an exception. In the end, it mostly hurt me, rather than helped, and I was traumatized. Do I think I could do that dosage again and be fine? Yes, but that’s only because I don’t need to, or rather, I don’t believe it will help me or fix things. I don’t want to use the drug for my own purposes, and I will never use it, or any drug, to deal with pain. I now know that you can’t ask of such things from any drug.
I have had experiences with a few other substances as well, and while my experiences with them have not been overwhelmingly negative, that is merely as a result of me not asking anything of those drugs. Well, this is sort of true, the one exception would be stimulants, in specific, methamphetamines, however, I have only taken them in such small doses that they wouldn’t have a significant impact on my brain chemistry. Essentially, using them as an equivalent to Adderall, which is dangerous. However, the reality is, I am most definitely an exception in this particular regard. In other instances, I am not, such as with benzos. I genuinely feel like they kill my brain, or at least, my memory, so even using them to sleep is idiotic, because what’s the point of sleep if your memories aren’t even properly consolidated? You would only want to sleep for other reasons, of which, maybe looking at other substances, or none at all, would be a much more intelligent choice.
If you still fail to get the message, it is to avoid doing drugs entirely. Just by sharing a small sliver of my experiences with one I used to call a friend, I hope you reconsider your perception on drugs. If you have never considered taking drugs, I am thankful, and I hope it stays that way. Drugs are terrible and will destroy your life if you try to use them in your own ways; to deal with your problems. Thankfully, my usage with drugs has been minimal, and that continually allows me to steer clear of becoming attached to any particular substance. Sure, I have used, or tried to use, psychedelics for my own purposes, but I quickly learned that was not reasonable. What happened, and I suppose is still happening, to the one I’ve mostly spoken of, is terrible. Drugs were and are not the answer for him, but by entering that world, he failed to exit it. If he still clings to life, I hope that things will change, but I will never know; I won’t be there for it. Maybe, at the very least, this is a warning to those who are already doing drugs, and have no intent to stop. Even if you don’t care about yourself, how you act; what you choose to do; your actions will affect others, and others won’t stick around forever.