It’s odd seeing and feeling the same thing when in a vulnerable state of mind. This state of mind that I speak of is when under the influence of psychedelics, specifically LSD. I’ve spoken of a few trips I’ve already experienced. In “Running” Away I went over a few of my experiences, at least three of them, and they were all pretty negative. I also had trips of much lower dosages which allowed me to mentally stick around, and they were a lot more fun. In To You, I wrote down what I was feeling during my worst trip, and it was quite brutal. What I’m getting at is when I experienced that very high dose trip, I also listened to Nine Inch Nails, and when doing so, my mind was going to weird places. I’ve had another medium-scale trip, and when listening to NIN again, similar things happened, but to a more extreme scale, and I want to speak of that. I also listened to other bands, and they are just as important. Although before going further, please keep in mind that these are deluded thoughts, and shouldn’t be taken all that seriously.
I don’t know why this is, but the first time I did a large dose of LSD, when listening to Nine Inch Nails, I felt like Trent was literally speaking to me. Yes, I know I’ve mentioned this before, and I know this to be silly; I was on drugs. However, it still was in the back of mind, even though I knew it wasn’t truly reflective of what was actually going on. I also saw numbers, and I don’t know what the numbers represented, but they were in my vision, and they were red, and I don’t even know why I was seeing them. My mind didn’t really make any connection to the numbers to anything at this point, but to see them at all, was pretty odd. There was one number I saw the most, which was 54, and that number followed me around for a very long time, and it has stopped for many years, but I don’t quite know why that was happening. I might have just been looking for it and then I stopped doing so, but I also believe there’s a chance it really was following me, which I know to be silly. Seeing this number, many times, in my vision, with both eyes open and closed, was definitely odd and confusing, because I didn’t understand why it came back then, and I don’t understand now, nor do I understand why it was something I saw again.
This might seem a bit jumbled, and that might be the case, but that’s because this is something that has me twisted up mentally. Feeling so confused and unsure on what to feel. When I was really young, I used to think about simulation theory. Keep in mind, this was before it was something mainstream—it wasn’t something that could have been presented to me by others. It was just me, thinking about it, perhaps not in the ways that are talked about now, but I thought about it nonetheless. It was in the form of playing a game, and you were locked into that game, and you played an entire life, and then you would exit the game, and you could decide to continue on or leave.
I don’t know if it’s because Trent decided to take an approach of industrial sounds, which really tickle my brain while being sober, but while under the influence of substances, the feelings from those sounds are even more extreme to me. It’s funny reading or seeing things that I had felt or heard when I was younger, even when I was in middle school. Like, I used to hear the sound of hammering when I was so young, and I don’t know why I did, but I did, and then it finally stopped, and it still makes no sense to me why I’ve held onto that for so long. I recently read a few more Osamu Dazai stories, and one of them is centered around a character hearing that sound, and even longer ago, when I read The King in Yellow, another instance of that sound being mentioned was of the first “main character,” which claimed to have liked that sound. Clearly that sound is liked by NIN too, which I quite easily understand.
What I’m getting at is when I listened to his music on that high dose of acid, I felt like he was telling me we were in a simulation: it’s just how I interpreted his lyrics. His lyrics, well, are obviously vague, and that’s probably his intention, but psychedelics have given me weird ways to feel confident about things that most would say doesn’t make any sense. It was even a little scary when I heard those things, but there were also moments where I was smiling, like I finally understood, like it finally got through to me, and this was the method that I was going to find out these things. Isn’t that a bit absurd?
I went on to live my life and experience many of the things I’ve already described in other pieces of writing, and these thoughts began to dwindle, but never completely go away. When listening to With Teeth there were some songs that really made me feel like it still made sense, like I still had the connection in my brain from those words and the feeling that this is all a simulation, and that it really all is fake. With a lot of the lyrics, it made it sound like a war to me, and this simulation was part of that, and then I swayed somewhere else in my beliefs. It was all a bit wonky, and it is still is wonky. Things however, got even crazier.
This brings us to the present, where I did more of a moderate dose, and tried to have some fun. This caused me no anguish, and things were relatively good. There were some bad moments, but it was mostly okay, and my mind was pretty intact. When I was peaking though, I also was listening to NIN, and this probably didn’t help what came next. I listened to Hesitation Marks before listening to With Teeth and that was probably, well, I don’t know if I should call it a wise or unwise decision. However, my mind was running wild, as I wasn’t suppressing things like I was once did, and I was accepting whatever wanted to come to my mind, in my mind, and I was going to accept it. Yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking, I was brought back to thinking about how Trent was saying this was a simulation.
I was seeing even more numbers than last time, they were all over my vision, and there were a variety of numbers, and yes, there were also letters, but I couldn’t read them. However, there were so many numbers, and the reoccurring one, 54, was also present, but it was among many others. Seeing all these numbers before listening to NIN, and then still seeing them afterwards, definitely did something to my brain, and I still don’t know quite what. Some songs and lyrics really made me feel like this was a simulation, and that nothing was real, like I was a copy, and everyone was a copy, from other indefinite numbers of copies.
There were other moments, and I don’t know what song I was listening to yet, but I remember that metallic banging sound, like hammer on metal or something, and it sounded like Trent was speaking as if he were some God of the simulation. Of course, God as much as you and I, but it was different, like he was some voice or consciousness within the machine. Eventually I reached the point where it sounded to me that I was in the computer, and have been in this massive, ever-growing machine, for some large amount of time. The explanation for the recursion of all things was that it was because that’s all we know, making it sound like this computer was some experiment, but then it didn’t sound that way later. Trent talks about and sings of love in so many of his songs, and I eventually thought this was a simulation, or many simulations, or just something inside a massive, ever-large computer, and its purpose was for love. I mean, love between two people, and it exists for two people to love each other forever, to continue loving no matter what, and to always be in a state of love. The sounds, when I was thinking this anyway, sounding like smooching and kissing in weird and metallic ways, like a machine kissing another machine, or something along those lines, which probably doesn’t make any sense to anyone.
Not only did it seem like the purpose was love, but it also sounded like a message that I must keep working in the ways that I am. It returned to the hammering sound, as if I must keep hammering just as I currently do, and I can’t stop, and I won’t ever be able to stop. There is one song in the album that speaks of living forever, and stretching across the sky, and those lyrics made me believe at the time that this computer has been around for a very long time, and it keeps growing and growing by acquiring more resources. Its consciousness, or what we would call consciousness, or many consciousnesses—I don’t know, collects resources to make it a larger computer, and it has to keep building, maybe in a certain direction, in order to live forever, but I’m not fully certain.
I was in a state of being very imaginative, and when I was hearing repeating lyrics of stretching across the sky, I was seeing some large ever-growing computer going farther and farther across the sky, or maybe I saw a landscape for some reason. It was so large that it would be incomprehensible to accurately imagine the scale, I felt like I only saw a little part of it. I had to play my part, in some way, by working on it, by being an active participator somehow. I don’t really know how I would do this, but I had some ideas based on the lyrics, which were also pretty odd.
One of them was that I had to give up my humanity, by killing myself, in order to become a being of pure consciousness. It was like I was told I knew the answer, and I know how to get out of this place, I just have to make the active choice to leave, and the option is always available to me, if I wish to go through with it. It wasn’t a depressing thought to have, it was just a dangerous one, because it wasn’t like I totally feared it, and I didn’t want to die, but it almost seemed like the right thing to do, based on what I was hearing, and I would finally be free if I did so.
Lyrics talking about being everywhere, being at every place, and just things that were in that realm, made it sound like it was a cry for help, and that I was privileged to have what I did, and that I should be thankful. Like, it was out of love that I didn’t know everything, that I wasn’t everywhere, because I wouldn’t be able to handle it, and of course, I could never have any idea what that feels like. It sounded like torture to be that thing that knew all things and was at all places; it didn’t want to feel that way, it didn’t want to be in that state anymore.
There was some part of my mind that knew this was delusional, and was still trying to reason with myself, but there was another part of me that was giving into believing these things. I’m experienced enough to do good mental preparations as to not cause myself unnecessary pain or anguish, and if those things were to happen, I would be able to accept them for what they are, because I did experience them, just not to an extreme degree. I also felt good things, but also not to an extreme amount. However, the rational mind was slipping away during the peak, and I just could not help myself but dig deeper and deeper into the feelings like this was a simulation.
It’s probably best to be noted that I heard what I wanted to hear, and I felt what I wanted to feel, both to certain extents. There were other times when listening to With Teeth, where in my interpretation of lyrics, while in a deluded state, Trent was admitting to being transgender with lyrics like “you can’t change anything” and “you can try to pretend” and “don’t you know what you fucking are.” Obviously, these lyrics are vague, and mean something different to everyone, but I was confident in these things, but of course, it was just me putting myself into those lyrics. Many of the other lyrics and sounds were similar to what I felt last time I listened to the album while in that state, just a little bit less crying.
There was another album, this one by Ulver, called Childhood’s End, which also played with my mind in many of songs. Some songs, like The Trap really played with my mind. I normally enjoy the songs while I’m sober, but when I was in that state, it felt like I was being told that this world really was fake, and that I would never get the answers I’d ever want. The best answers I would ever receive would always be recursions, and that really bothered me. There were also other songs within that album that played with my mind, and normally I really enjoy them, especially the last song; Where is Yesterday.
It’s a cover from another band, The United States of America, which is also the name of their only album, at least from my knowledge. Most of the songs are pretty psychedelic sounding, and pretty much stay within that realm. I thought about listening to them, but I thought it might be too much for me, so I strayed away—at least this time. Once again, my feelings were really weird, it intensified what I normally would feel when listening to this song. It only played into what I was already feeling at the time, where nothing made sense, and time was warped, and I was just a clone of many other clones, indefinitely going on, unable to remember what the past once held for me. I had complicated feelings—I really didn’t like it but at the same time I did, I felt like I was receiving answers, but these were answers I already had. The answer was that I couldn’t receive a proper answer, and I would have to be content with that.
As of writing this, I haven’t listened to any of these songs again, and I probably want to hold off from doing so for now. I doubt I will get any of the feelings that I’ve described here while not under the influence of some sort of substance, but if I do, I will find that odd, and possibly even worrying, because I really don’t want to have a deluded mind while sober. Additionally, aside from these delusions, I’d like to write down some of the realizations I’ve had, mostly during the time when I was listening to music.
There were a few times where I tried to listened to music with screaming vocals, but was unable to do so. I only heard my mother or father yelling, which inhibited me from listening, and it really hurt and confused me. It’s still pretty hard to figure out what I should make of what was going through my head when I started listening to those songs. It’s not like I thought they were present, I knew they weren’t, but for my mind to go there—it’s so odd. I’ve rationalized it in a pretty weird way, or so I think is weird, but it might have some amount of truth.
I think people keep around a lot of old parts of themselves that they probably shouldn’t because they believe they find comfort in those things. Sure, to an outsider, it might seem like the person is hurting themselves, or maintaining something they shouldn’t, but to that person, it feels right or comfortable. In this case, I think I’ve begun to rationalize why I do like screaming vocals, or vocals like that. It’s because, well, my parents would yell often enough that when listening to that music, I feel comfort in that screaming. Now, I don’t actually like hearing anyone yell, it makes me feel fear, just like when I was on acid and heard their voices yelling at me. It made me scared despite knowing it was not happening in reality. However, when I normally listen to that music, I don’t hear their voices, but I think that I feel comfort in that screaming because I’m so used to it, and to go without it would actually be unusual or odd to me.
Something that I realized, although not through listening to the music, but just because my head was already moving in this direction, was other ways—albeit pretty fucked up—that I find comfort in things that are definitely not good. This steps into the realm of sexual deviance, specifically predator vs. prey. Sure, it might seem harmless, and it honestly is, because the people partaking in that probably don’t have a backlog of trauma, but for me, I think I’ve found a way to rationalize my interest in such a thing. This is because I was actually preyed on, and because that happened, I have taken the trauma from those experiences and moved it into a fetish. It might not actually have any connection, but I can’t help myself but think that this rationalization is reflective of reality.
Other than these, I also found a great importance in structures. I already care about structures, but I think that the care I have now is much deeper than before, so much so, that I believe I could focus purely on structures, but here, I’ll give a brief overview of what I felt was important about them. Mostly it was centered around how everything is built up from structures, that they are fundamental, and because I’m big on fundamentals, digging deeper into those realms help me understand just about everything else. Structures are all around us, on the higher level, you could think of a structure like a building. If that building couldn’t stand up, it wouldn’t have structure, but because it does, you can be within it and feel safe. We internalize structures, and we yearn for stability within those structures. If we’re surrounded with unstable structures, we feel fearful, confused, and upset—we want our structures to have safety. If you have unstable parents, you probably know what I mean, and in the same way if you have an unstable house, that same fear will probably be present.
While I might think drugs are terrible, I still partake in them from time to time. I don’t play around in things of a more extreme level, like described here, things like alcohol, maybe once a week or so, are pretty okay. Many of the realizations that I’ve described here were already in progress, so even if I hadn’t taken any substances, I would have reached them, but instead, I’ve grasped them at a slightly earlier time. As for the delusions, I still don’t know what to make of them, they are likely just ways my mind wanted to appeal to myself, the lyrics being very general and vague, along with the industrial machine-like sounds, all played into the thoughts and belief that this is a simulation. At the very least, it’s pretty creative, at least for me, so taking what I’ve experienced and making a story out of it might be something worth doing, but I’ll have to give it more time to see what happens. I don’t know if anything I’ve said here has been insightful, but it might be demonstrative of the person I am and the type of person I am slowly becoming.