I bet you didn’t expect me to make this, did you? You could have, but it would’ve been pretty hard to expect, because to have an expectation, you need to have some data or information which helps you predict what might be coming next. Was there any evidence that I was going to talk about expectations? It’s possible, but even I don’t know of it. You might’ve had an expectation that I would write or make a video at some point in the future, but there was no complete and utter certainty of that happening. There are many other expectations that you have, I have, and well, everyone has. Expectations allow us to shift a lot of processing off to the side so that we can think about other things. It’s been tough for me to consider expectations and differ between my expectation and my judgement. People might have expectations for just about everything, but keeping this mind, one can control when an expectation is reasonable or irrational. Finding how this is the case, learning how to limit the influence of expectations, and how expectations work in general is my goal. I want to use my experiences, directly, along with how I have perceived other people deal with something like an expectation.
Being able to articulate the reasonability of an expectation is mostly derived from the information that has been obtained up until the point an expectation is formulated. If you have a small amount of information that informs you of what might happen in the future, that has some amount of reasonability, but it is relatively small. There is a direct correlation between information previously obtained about a contingency of the future and the rationality of said possibility. If you want to predict something in the future, and you have a lot of information about that thing, would you have a lot or a little confidence in your prediction? Yes, of course it matters what that thing is, but for the most part, you’ll have some faith that your prediction makes sense. The more information you have, the more you can trust an expectation, the less information you have, the less you can trust an expectation. However, we don’t create predictions about the future based on how much information we have and then create a hierarchy of reasonability; we just do. Not only that, but expectations can be subverted, and that can alter our thinking to keep in mind the subversion that we experienced. If information is going to be the deciding factor in the reasonability of an expectation, when does an expectation no longer fit within that label?
You probably predict you will have electricity tomorrow morning. If you live in an area that frequently loses power, no matter the weather, you might not, but in this supposition, assume you don’t lose power often. If you wake up and there’s power, that will reinforce that expectation. However, if you don’t, that will weaken that expectation. This is pretty true, but it is isolated, as our predictions of what is to come are not isolated instances of things happening; we have decades of experience. If you lived two to three decades, and something has stayed statically one way; do you think that thing will stay the same or change? Yes, of course you’ll think it will stay the same; that would assume that your expectation through a lifetime of experience actually makes sense and is rational. However, if it were broken, then you might question the systems in place that allowed that expectation to be broken, or if you focus inwards, what inside of you might be broken.
Information obtained over years in relation to things that have been a part of our lives since the beginning are most likely to be held closer than something learned recently. If you learned how something functions in a video game, and then there’s an update which changes the functionality of that thing, how might you feel? Well, you might be upset that something you just learned has been altered already, but it likely wasn’t in your expectation that it would continually stay the same for the entirety of the video game. However, now, you have learned that systems understood might be changed in future updates of the game. Even how certain players act can be learned, and thus, those players can be expected to have particular types of behaviors. If you run across a variety of players, it might take a while before you can generalize how most, if not all, players act, because you’ll have enough players acting differently before you can refine your ability to predict. In a new supposition, you might be playing the same game, but no players act the way you expect them to. Is it you who is unable to play properly or have all the players suddenly changed their playing style? Well, it might be hard to say, but we will want to say how it is, anyway. To consider the possibility that we’ve been matched up against esoteric players would be irrational, because we want to hold our belief that averages will prevail; and this might actually be the case. The difference is being able to accurately define that mean, and then test it, and finally find out whether or not our expectation can still be held as a general truth.
If we’re using past information, or experience, as our reference to defining the rationality of an expectation, how do we keep this under control? Control is being able to know when your expectation can still be held, but also, knowing when it needs to be changed or let go completely. I have the expectation that when I press the power button to my computer, it will turn on. If it doesn’t, I might get confused, make sure everything is plugged in and whatnot, and try again. If it still won’t turn on, I will go through a set of possibilities in my head to test before jumping to conclusions. Just because your computer doesn’t turn on, despite it always being able to turn on based on past experience, does not mean it is broken and you need to buy a new one. The subversion of our expectation can happen on many layers. Somehow the power might have become unplugged or loose, and you had to fix that, or maybe you just needed to unplug and re-plug the power cable. The point is; if I go through all my basic known issues that usually would bring a resolution and I fail to have the computer boot, I will escalate the issue. This is literally what troubleshooting is. You know what a problem is, and based on past experience or what has been learned, you decide how to take on finding a resolution.
If your system of troubleshooting consistently works, there probably isn’t any reason to change it; it’s fine. However, if you go through that system, and you find that something entirely different that wasn’t in your system is actually the cause of the problem, you probably have to readjust. How many times does this need to happen before readjusting? Well, that’s hard to say, because it’s generally relative to your past experience. The longer something has been a certain way, the more time it will take for something else that’s different to make sense. The problem with this is that, if not paying attention, it might seem that things have suddenly changed, when they’ve actually been gradual. We can’t take in all possible information, we inevitably are unable to learn or understand something, at one point or another, and so we never know about it. If you think something has been sudden, consider if you can learn more about whatever thing it is. Has it been gradual? Where can I find information to support whether it has been gradual or sudden? Once again, not all changes are equal, either, so one thing being suddenly different is not the same as any other thing.
If you are suddenly fired from your job, it might be confusing, alarming, and/or worrying. There are many possibilities as to why this might happen, but depending on the context, you might be able to find out the exact nuances for it happening. If you know your nation’s economy hasn’t been great, then you know for the business you were hired by, it might make sense to cut out certain individuals. If you know you could leave the business and it still could get by, then you could rationalize why you were seemingly suddenly fired. If the business wasn’t doing financially well, that might also explain it, depending on your performance. Yet, there are other possibilities at play, like certain individuals having a dislike for you, and thus spreading lies or creating rumors to make your superiors dislike you. The other factors might be at play, but that might be the final nail in the coffin, but you would never know because you didn’t have the ability to obtain that information to deduce that as another variable in your new state of unemployment.
It’s okay to rationalize and have solidity in your conclusions as to why something has happened. It might not matter all that much, so you can get away with letting it go and moving on. The point in which it does matter is when it actively harms you or people around you. Another game example. Suppose you expect your team to act a certain way, maybe because most teams you play with play within that expectation, but this one doesn’t, and it leads to your death. Do you get upset at yourself, your team, or both? Well, depending on the person, it could be any of these, or none of these. It would be irrational to expect yourself to always play at a certain level, and just the same, for any of those players to always play at a certain level. A few players having a bad day can bring a whole team down, and thus, expectations of how a team should act based on past information has been utterly broken. Your expectation might not have held up, but that’s okay. It isn’t okay when you beat yourself up about it, get angry at yourself; or are mean to yourself. On top of this, it isn’t okay when you yell at your team, or specific players on the team, for how they’re playing, either.
To add another layer of clarity, we’re supposing that no players are intentionally trying to sabotage or create a bad playing field. If a player is intentionally hurting the team, then maybe your anger or irritation is justified, but maybe it’s best to keep it inside, anyway. Expecting something to be a certain way, all of the time, is much more of a luxury than we might believe. To even have a team consistently play a certain way more often than not is a surprise; but in that surprise we see an unusual amount of order. Just like how you might expect your power to come on in the morning. If there was a 50/50 chance for you to have power or not, it’s unlikely you’ll expect it to be there; you’ll only expect it as much as if you were to not have power. If it were only happening recently, and otherwise, you’ve always had it be there, you might grow concerned and want to find out what the issue is. Maybe it would take time to find out, but maybe you can have a system to figuring out why something is the way it is. This is exactly how you will learn to limit the influence of expectations; a system.
Limiting immediate reactions to expectations is mostly grounded on knowing what to look for in the case something is not aligned with the usual. A system mentioned already is like someone troubleshooting why a computer might not be turning on. They know through previous experience and knowledge what could possibility go wrong, and so they’ll try, based on that, to go through easier means of testing before escalating the issue. If they saw the computer combust in front of their eyes, however, it wouldn’t be so wise to go through the same procedure. Acting in response to the subversion is another layer that should be added to anyone’s system of expectation. A willingness to step back and reassess is going to be the best way to handle yourself when something doesn’t align with what always has been. Something that hasn’t been mentioned, however, has been how some expectations are formed at certain ages; and thus, have more influence over the thinking of a person.
If you, as a child, had a year of something being a certain way, but that was suddenly broken, and it had an emotional impact on you, it will be pretty significant. This is the same way for adults, but more-so for children. If you had an entire childhood, and early adulthood, of never being bullied, but you suddenly were bullied at your workplace; how might you feel? Well, yes, it would hurt, but it wouldn’t hurt as much as a child being bullied. That child will hold onto the expectation that that experience is normal; what should be expected, because their experiences are much more limited. It might take a lot of time to realize how many things influence your expectations; maybe you’ll never get to the bottom of it, but to find the most significant things; the things that happened to you when growing up; those will help you understand how you estimate the significance of an expectation.
This is why many can normalize abusive romantic relationships. As children, they were in the abusive relationship, or saw it happen. If that’s all they knew, and they were never told it was wrong, they wouldn’t ever question it. When being in a romantic relationship of their own, if similar things happen, they might think that’s simply how that type of relationship functions. If taught that’s not how it should work, they might question it, but might not know what is better or what is right, and still hold onto it, because what you know is comfortable than the unknown. Breaking that expectation takes a lot of time, but it also takes knowledge and a willingness to let go of what was known as normal. Normal doesn’t always make sense, and normal doesn’t always mean right.
I have many foolish expectations, but I can note of one easily that I no longer have, but had continually taken a significant toll on my mind. I had this belief, or expectation, that I was always being judged. It was rooted in, well, being judged. Judged by people at school, from elementary school to high school, and at home, by my parents. That judgement then rooted itself as something as normal, and because that was normalized, it was within my expectation that everyone else will apply such judgement to me. However, this was not, and is not, the case. I eventually learned through experience, and people literally telling me, no one cares. No one wants to judge me, and yes, some will, but most won’t. Whether it’s because they don’t have the energy for it, or because it isn’t worth it to them; it doesn’t matter, the point is, the expectation is silly.
There are other expectations, that perhaps aren’t as silly, but shouldn’t have so much power over me. One of these is the belief that someone is always listening. Arguably, yes, my smartphone is always listening, and maybe by having a microphone connected to my computer, that’s always in a state of being able to listen. However, the expectation itself is based on my parents failing to give me the slightest amount of privacy, and well, listening in to my conversations. This then made it difficult for me to talk about anything personal, so I didn’t. I had to resort to text, and even to this day, it's hard for me to verbally explain my feelings with the same comfort I might have with text. I’m aware of this, so I’m slowly working through it, but nonetheless, it is another irrational expectation based on childhood experience. These might be my expectations and experiences, but I’ve seen how other people in my life think and feel about expectations.
One person in particular is incredibly vigilant in finding out my expectations. This is made obvious by questions like, “Did you expect that?” Or more negatively leaning, “Are you disappointed?” It makes sense to some level, because with what knowledge I do have, a failure to get approval, or actively feeling as if they’ve disappointed others, has led to them searching to obtain the expectations of how other people feel. It’s unfortunately very foolish, and I try to make light of it, and slowly work through it, but knowing the expectations are rooted in childhood, I know through what I have experienced, and thus have an expectation, it will take some time for it to be healed.
We are creatures that live by having expectations. There is a need to know the future so that we can have security in what we do today. Knowing how expectations are created, how they work in general, and how to control what those expectations are, are all means to working with your inherent need to know what is to come next. Hopefully through some examples and my personal experiences, you can better understand how expectations work in one person, and have that as a relative comparison to yourself. It might seem confusing and too complex of an issue to work through something like an expectation, but it’s okay for it to take time. Search within, find the roots, and understand them, before tearing them out. You have all the world to compare yourself with, and even then, don’t trust all the world. The world can be misleading, too, be able to rationalize, deconstruct, and reconstruct, how things should or should not operate. Expectations can come easy, but knowing how they come easy, and keeping them under control, is not as easy. Be willing to put the time in to find out how they operate in you, and feel willing to reach out to those you trust for help.