Humans cannot stop comparing. Things only mean something because they are relative to something else. Good is only relative to bad, tasty is only relative to repulsive, love is only relative to hate, and many more. This could be broken down to reactions, as everything is a reaction to everything else, and things only exist within a state of relativity. Despite being able to rationalize that something is more preferrable to another, or that one thing is at a higher priority than another, it becomes impossible to figure out how these ideas came to be. Good and bad might be able to be broken down to what a person identifies with on each side, and how those things have impacted the person, but the variables causing the impact go another layer deeper, and it goes on for a very long time searching within. In recognizing this, the same idea could be applied to the act of comparing yourself to others. It is foolish, and tends to cause more harm than good. No one knows all the variables that made up another person, all the things outside of your control, out of another person’s control, and any other factors that don’t give a clear view of how a person came to be.
People compare themselves to others because there is an interest to find out where they are relative to others. Some like to say that life is a game, and in this context, it makes sense. It’s like a comparison between you and someone else to see who has accomplished what in how much time. Obviously, this is silly, but myself and many others have been caught by the act of comparison because it is natural to us. There is always something being compared, whether it be us or other things. However, I didn’t always think that it was irrational to compare myself to others. In my mind, I thought that it was the normal thing to do. I wanted to have a comparison to where I should be, but that didn’t even make sense. Others might compare themselves to others because they subconsciously want an excuse to stop whatever they’re doing, because it’s difficult, and success seemingly seems unlikely. For whatever the reason, it is irrational and brings no benefit. It is impossible to compare yourself to anyone else, because, it is as simple as the fact that no one else is you.
Many would consider it unreasonable to compare two individuals based on the quality of their education if they were from different classes. Clearly the household with more money will be able to provide a better education than the one without. Knowing this, the rational thing to do would be not to compare these two individuals based on that variable. Funnily enough, these individuals will be compared based on that variable anyway, and it is unlikely what has been stated would be the focus of the comparison. Suppose something like, a high-paying job. These two individuals have no equality in their opportunity to obtain a high-paying job, if they had the same education, they would be on much more equal grounds. A high-paying job brings many more benefits and materials, as well as safety, so the person who cannot obtain the job will be at a disadvantage for a majority of things that most people care about. If we were to compare these two individuals on that higher level, like comparing the house they both have, the kids they have, the education their kids have, and so on, it clearly is not reasonable to compare these two individuals.
There are innumerable variables to make count of in every particular scenario of comparison. By focusing on just one, it becomes obvious to how one particular variable can have an impact on many other things, and while not the center or core of anything, it is important to note because it plays a part in the whole of the person. Now, imagine if I wanted to compare myself to someone who has had an entirely different upbringing, education, friend-group, different opportunities, different genetics, and honestly, many more things, how do I go about doing this in a rational way? I can’t, that’s the reality of comparison. There are too many moving parts to accurately compare myself, to any extent, to someone else, because they are an entirely different person. You still might have the urge to compare, because you feel like you have control over what you are, and how you came to be, but this is unfortunately false.
No one has been able to choose any of the things that have made them the way they are. A person can steer themselves into a particular direction, but their reasonings and rationalizations that would make them believe they’ve had control of the wheel the whole time are false. This is because it would be impossible to control things from the beginning. No one chose the environment they were born in, nor their genetics, and definitely not their parents. These things compile further upon each other, and we continually are in a state of lacking control. At one point or another, at least for me, there will be a feeling that you can control things, but really, that’s a very minor amount of control. It’s a matter of working with what you already have, and deciding what to do next, which are then thoughts based on things that were outside of your control, therefore you can’t control what those thoughts are and their quality. Accepting that you cannot control what you once thought you could control is a first step towards breaking down old systems of comparison.
Knowing that you did not choose what to be nor all the influences that brought you there can then be transferred over to every other person to ever exist. Just as you didn’t choose to be born, nor did anyone else, and they didn’t choose any of the circumstances or variables to make them, them, just like you. If we’re all in a state of lacking control, how could we ever compare ourselves to other people? It could never be done rationally. Realizing that comparison between individuals is an irrational practice enables one to stop beating themselves up for not being enough. Yet, it begs the question, what then, what would be a rational comparison?
Just as with all things, there are layers upon layers of complexity and nuance within each thing that we’ve neatly assigned a label. What was once the bottom, goes even deeper than we ever imagined. All comparisons are limited in how rational they can be, as it depends on how willing the person is to dig deep into whatever the thing is. I could compare two types of coffee beans. I could make coffee the same exact way, and then taste each coffee separately to then decide which one I prefer. Based on the preference, I would then decide which one I would label as preferable, and which one would be less preferable. Within that particular context, the comparison is relative to my own taste, what I like, and what coffee beans I have purchased. If I were to instead have someone else taste each coffee, and they have a different choice than myself, is it to be expected I choose their choice over mine? Of course not! You want to choose what you want, not what others want, and by choosing what someone else wants, and then being upset at the fact you have the less desirable tasting coffee, you have then been irrational with your comparison. It would be rational to choose the coffee taste you prefer, not what someone else prefers.
Identification of the irrationality behind comparing yourself to anyone else is the beginning to ending said comparison. After admitting that it is silly and generally harmful to compare yourself to others, the next step is to sift through many memories you’ve had of when you have compared yourself to others, both good and bad, and then realize what those experiences actually mean. This is in order to release yourself from the many ways you may have hurt yourself in the past whilst thinking it was a rational thing to do. It might also remind you of the ways you have unreasonably praised yourself for being better, when that, too, was irrational behavior.
I took comparing myself to an extreme. I generally didn’t have particular individuals I wanted to compare myself to. At times, it could have been friends, or random people I had spoken to, but it generally was one layer further of absurdity. I would be comparing myself to individuals who didn’t even exist. Imaginary figures who were somehow more capable than I, better than me in every way, and I would never be able to have what they have, and I would somehow compare myself to some imaginary thing or type of person who always was a step further than myself. It usually had to do with my capability in many ways, but especially, my capacity to grow and actually learn things. However, it also played into my focus on time, and I would compare myself to the imaginary person’s ability to complete a task or understand something. If you aren’t aware already, this was harmful. Not only was I using comparison in an irrational way, I was comparing myself to people who didn’t exist. Not to say they don’t exist, these people do exist in a sense, but I don’t know their names nor do I know their backgrounds, and I don’t need to, I just need to stay aware that such comparisons are silly.
Once you start realizing how silly it is to compare yourself in those ways, and after you have remembered many of those moments, healing can begin. Now you realize you were too harsh on yourself, or that you were being unreasonable, and by being in the state you are now, you can do better, and you can act in wiser ways. The days of unreasonable comparison can end. Healing comes in the form of not only being aware of those memories and moments of comparison but also acceptance of them, and a willingness to move on from them, yet, learn from them. This is something that might take time, and that’s okay, because it’s okay to spend time on yourself.
As I retrospectively look upon many of the ways I would abstractly compare myself, I realize that it was done in ways that I can’t quite put my finger on. There is a side of me that wants to suggest that the reason I acted in such a way was in order to promote me to do better, and to be more. The imaginary competition was always one step ahead, and in order to catch up, I had to work harder in order to get to that imaginary point. For some reason, I had to surpass this imaginary person, and because they were not in reality, I could not actually pass them. The other side likes to rationalize the comparison as a means to stop me from doing things. The reasons for this can go even further into many other areas, but generally I would say it would be because it would be the easiest path, which would enable me to do as little as possible. By believing some imaginary person is always one step ahead, I could then justify my inaction by the fact I would never be ahead of that person, and thus it would be futile to try to do anything at all. Both extremes are silly, and sometimes one extreme was more present than the other, and many of the times, my feelings fell in-between these, which goes to show how irrational my system of comparison truly was.
If you are able, I would suggest finding out where the comparing stems from. This is pretty difficult, and once again, will take time, but if you find that you aren’t healing, you might have to look further inwards. Generally, the things I would point at as the cause of such comparing are relationships that were had at very early ages. What friends you had in childhood, what your parents acted like, and anyone who had some amount of authority over you. It could have come in other forms, but I find that systems like these have a tendency to be formed from those such things or things that are closely related.
For myself, I also find this to be a struggle. I have some general ideas, however. My father was very judgmental upon himself, and in very irrational ways, which definitely stem from his family dynamic, and I believe that many of the ways in which he acted and the words he said influenced me to think in such a comparative way. Even in ways he would believe to be positive, by degrading himself, would actually have a negative influence on me and how I would feel about myself. There was also the constant comparing going on in school, as students always want to compare aspects of themselves to each other to see who is the most and least desirable student. To deduce who is the most and least of any particular chosen quality. Teachers played into it too, by specifying the student who did the best on a test, or who needed to see the teacher after class. All of these variables, and many more I can’t think of, most definitely had an impact on my irrational comparison between myself and others.
To wrap this up, the reality of the situation is, you don’t have to compare yourself to others. Even if you believe you do, that belief can be broken. With proper focus, time, and love, you and anyone else can realize that it is possible to break free from the shackles of comparison. It is irrational, and we know this because people are completely different, from person to person. From their genetics to their environment, no one had any particular choice in these, so to say one is better than another is a demonstration of the ignorance to this fact. All of the variables that have made us and everyone else have been totally out of our control. Rational comparison can take place, but it generally has to do with objects in reference to our own person, rather than an individual-to-individual basis. There is a process to all things, and how you want to process your healing is up to you. You don’t have to compare yourself to anyone else, and just because others do, does not mean you must follow in their footsteps. You can free yourself from the shackles of comparison, if you wish.