7/8/23
A little bit of an update to help give some perspective to the current issue I’m experiencing. I started working at the grocery store stocking shelves about a week ago, working nights, 11 PM to 7:30 AM. The work is fine, although it can be tiring. One point of interest is the fact that as much as I dislike the work, it doesn’t upset me how much time I’m putting into essentially nothingness. There is no particular outcome as a result of this work, it’s purely putting items on shelves and nothing more. This nothingness is exemplary of the issue I’m undergoing. I find myself unable to latch onto something and continue to promote it.
For example, many are able to latch onto something like playing an instrument. They spend their free time practicing and learning, and it becomes something they look forward to. However, I’m unable to create a “latch” onto something. Nothing takes a hold of me, and I take hold of nothing. Thus, I’m in a spiral in which I cannot promote any form of fun or productivity other than the repetitive work I’ve signed myself up for. I do have some hopes that perhaps by working, I can raise enough funds to try some new things that may help me ease the nothingness, and even possibly loosen my grip.
In the past, writing has been the activity that held me strongly, writing on a daily basis for a little while, but eventually dropping it off for a long period of time. It almost seems uncontrollable, but it must be, because surely there exists something that will captivate me so strongly that it hides the darkness of my peripheral vision and illuminates the prison I’m willing to stay in. This also plays into the fact that I live in a society that requires one to work for the majority of their lives in order to survive, and if I don’t find something I enjoy to latch onto, something else will take its place, even temporarily.
Not only do I hope for the shelf-stocking caliber of work to pay for a vehicle and the hopeful creation of hobbies, I also wish for it to move onto other things, such as paying for college. I think education is the only way I’m going to escape the lowest layers of corporate hell. Perhaps I can find myself a little above, or even the middle. It all feels empty the same, but I do hope that I can find something that can fill the darkness that continues to surround me. It doesn’t have to be career related, it can be anything, as long as it forbids that nothingness from torturing my mind while I do anything.
The fact that my current feelings and thoughts can be summed up in about four paragraphs is a simple demonstration of the fact of my own simplicity and issue. There is no further nuance than these paragraphs, and the issue is plainly present. There is no “starting is the hardest part,” and there is nothing to start. There is nowhere to go, nothing to think, nothing to be. This is reoccurring as well, I’ve previously experienced this issue, and I temporarily sink my teeth into something, like psychology, and then walk away like it never happened because it meant so little to me. I wish to find something that holds me so strongly that I can’t run away, not that I’d want to either. Time will tell. I wish to find this thing by October. Not that October is an arbitrary date, that’s the time I’ll be working in the new store, meaning potentially more time for myself to sink into the new beloved thing.