Vekinuma's Website

Hey, I’m Vekinuma. Supposedly it means “love.” The name was given to me by a friend of mine a few years back, and I’ve held onto it ever since. That was the attention span test. If you’re here still, and have clicked on this video with or without intention, I’d like to make you aware of the other content I want to make available on this channel. Then, you can decide whether or not that may be applicable to you and your interests. First, if you are interested about me, even in the slightest, I have a page on my website dedicated to some basic and boring information if you want to give it a quick read. (Link shows somewhere.) While I haven’t updated it recently, most of it will still be true, and I will eventually get around to updating it.

To be forward, I’m lonely. Not to say I don’t have friends or interesting people surrounding me, but the connection I have can vary. Some connections are stronger than others, and not all connections are equally available to me. And so, I thought a good way to use these lonely feelings would be to create things that could potentially make myself and others less lonely. Not only do I hope to find people, but I’m aware that there are many people like me as well. Not necessarily the same person as I am, or the same environment, or same headspace, or any other assortment of variables. Despite being unable to connect with every individual on a direct level, I’d like to provide some online content, so that you may feel less alone. Sure, in the end, you might still physically be alone, but you might mentally feel like someone is there, and that person knows how you’re feeling and cares. There can still be a level of interaction, even without friendship. You could actively reach out to me to ask me something, tell me something, or just leave a comment that’s totally unrelated to me. That’s one of the benefits of utilizing a social media platform like YouTube. So, stating all this leaves a lot of opportunity for imagination as to what kind of content might be created… so what kind of content do I believe I will create?

Well, to be honest with you, it’s hard to be certain about something like this. I think about what I would want out of a video if I were feeling lonely, and I wonder to myself: what would appeal to me? I’d like to imagine the type of person that would watch this or anything I publish online is at least a little like me. I say this in the least-narcissistic way possible, because I don’t believe there to be people based around me, nor do I believe myself to be special. However, there are variables that have formed me and many others who have experienced the same things. It just happens that the more unusual traits we share have led us down similar enough paths to feel relatively similar things. I want to write and share those feelings, and I think that by sharing them, someone out there might feel less lonely. Maybe you feel something from learning. I like learning; I feel something from learning, and I could write in a way that appeals to someone who wants to learn that otherwise wouldn’t have been present online.

I like to acquire information and knowledge, so I hope you already do or will at one point or another. There is a lot of information out there, so I could be more specific about the knowledge I want. It could be in the moment, like trying think of chord progressions I find interesting and unique. From there, I can search and find and listen to already existing progressions to influence my intent. Or, I could watch a video on improving contour lines, to do simply that. These searches for information are full of intent and have a specific goal in mind. In that same vein, I’d like to imagine, that sometimes people just like to acquire information for fun. For me, many things that should feel good, well, don’t. Due to this, I have to find other ways to feel good or okay. This leads into the fact that I will actively watch content that’s steered towards to appealing to a crowd that wants to learn. For me, sometimes it feels good to learn information. So, based on that feedback, I would choose to watch or listen to content that is attempting to educate. Do always I retain the information presented in this content? Not always, but I can make myself believe it feels good to consume this over other content. If I like that type of content, then making it would appeal to individuals with that trait in common. It might be an avenue for some videos on this channel. I may want to try and educate on a clear topic, rather than talking about feelings or thoughts, for those who want to feel like they’re learning, because it actually might feel good for them to do so.

As to what that content could be about, it would steer towards what I’m spending most of my time on at that time, or what has caught my attention, but I’d be careful with the execution of that content. Anyone can rehash what a Wikipedia article says, and that isn’t uncommon on this platform now, and I find it boring. If I want to read a Wikipedia article, I will, because I can read it faster than listening to someone’s lousy voice with lousy visuals presented to me. Instead, doing a formal level of research would be an appeal, which at the very least, goes a layer deeper than a single webpage. My own ability to digest information and writing about that information in a way that could only characterized as me would be the appeal. This way, it feels personalized, as you’re learning from me, but also meaningful, because the depth of the information will go beyond the first page of Google. This still allows for a lot of variability. If I had to state ideas immediately, some might be improving your writing ability, or issues with technology, and the impact it has on society. These ideas have definitely been talked about online, but, as with my own experience, some people like listening to certain individuals over others because of their presentation of information, and that would be the difference between my type of educational content and someone else’s. Everyone has a part of their mind that’s based around logic, however, videos characterized by learning wouldn’t appeal to the emotional mind, which is very important to me right now.

That’s only one type of video I might make. I’m certain I want to make content that’s focused on thoughts, feelings, and ideas. These can vary greatly, but I’d like to keep it focused on trying to feel better. I feel I can forever agonize on certain things; I can agonize forever on problems I’m unwilling to accept the answers to, leading to a cyclic-type of thought. It makes me feel awful, and leads to a negative headspace, which doesn’t help me or the people around me. YouTube has been actively trying to promote a negative kind of content to me, and I see it online on forums too. People posting their feelings of hopelessness, how awful they feel, and how much they hate the world, and they want you to feel the same. I’m aware it isn’t without reason that people are feeling this way or giving up. In their perceived view of the world, it’s over, so why should they keep pretending to play the game? I ask myself these questions too, and I actively try to dig deeper to find those answers, and I’d like to create content that promotes the idea that it isn’t all suffering, or at the very least, this suffering has some sort of meaning. I don’t want to believe that this suffering is for nothing, and it really is meaningless. I can choose to have the feelings of meaninglessness destroy me or I can choose to let meaning into my life. Changing from one thought pattern to another is no easy task, and I’m currently still working through it, along with other systems that need to be improved upon. For video content, I would like to analyze changes of particular systems that have or had made me feel certain ways, which might be the same for you, but if not, they could influence you to make changes to your systems. Not that I want to change you, but I want to be heard, and I just as much want to listen. I want to perceive and have others to perceive a world where things aren’t awful, and that their actions and choices have meaning. I don’t always believe what I’m doing has meaning. I don’t always believe that anything has any amount of meaning. But what I can do is identify it as a belief and then change my belief. As you might guess, it’s no easy task, and sometimes outside variables can impair or slow down this fragile system, but it promotes me to create things like this, to write things like this. If I were to share how I’ve made that work for me, it might genuinely help people; at a relatively low cost to myself.

I think. You do too. This can be a nice thing, especially when you are surrounded by people who also can think, but you probably have found yourself in many positions where you’re the only one thinking in a room of people who cannot think. You can think, and have come up with some your own thoughts, these being ideas, but in that same room, no one understands the ideas you present, or they reject them because of their contrast to the ideas they normally hear. In my experience, people love to reject things they don’t understand. Reject, fear, and hate, are common qualities of the ignorant. It can be painful feeling that rejection when all you want to do is present a thought or idea and be heard by someone else. I decided to present ideas in a format like this in order to appeal to a wide range of people. Anyone can find my ideas, thoughts, or feelings this way, instead of sitting in that same room hoping someone will eventually understand. If someone has a similar idea, they might search to see if anyone else has had that idea, and so we can connect on that basis. This does not always mean the ideas are “good” or “bad” but that they are uncommon. I want those who have already had the idea to give me feedback on that idea and I want new ideas introduced to me. I fantasize about presenting ideas, and others, in response, present their ideas, and we exchange our seemingly esoteric ideas and feelings to feel less lonely. I’ve mentioned explicitly “ideas,” “thoughts,” and “feelings" and I would like to clarify on some aspects of thoughts and ideas.

Sometimes I have thoughts that try to act like they are born of pure logic, but actually, they are emotional, and want to control me, and eventually they hurt me. I mention this because I am reminded of thoughts that have inhibited me from living. I think about certain thoughts that end up being circular and tend to favor inaction. These tend to be thoughts that revolve around the meaninglessness of life, ones that focus on the pointlessness of actions. These thoughts believe they are devoid of feeling; they believe they are truth. I wouldn’t say they are a result of depression but instead, of times that have passed, and when they originally arose, they made sense. Even so, sometimes these thoughts must be developed so that I know what to do when they come up again. For the most part, they are faux and destructive, interested in only undoing everything you have tried so hard to do, everything you have tried so hard to maintain. They are a result of illogical systems, and they will choke you, but let you breathe just enough so that you can be choked again. I want to write about these thoughts so that those who are having these thoughts, which I know are far too many, can maybe take something from my ability to handle them, so that they can be free from them too. They’re only thoughts in a mind, and you’re the master of your own mind.

These are ideas as to what I might or could produce. These are the ideas on my mind in the present, but that doesn’t mean that’s how it will stay. It’s not unlikely that I will create videos that sit outside the confines presented in this video. I may find that presenting in a different format works better for what I’m trying to do. I might try different avenue; like writing a novel, or I might do neither. It’s hard to be certain on these types of things, especially when the world and I are changing, and it makes life unpredictable. One day I might actually be good at the things I’m finding beauty in, like words, visuals, or music, or I may never be in that position, and I won’t be able to shift my focus onto one tool in specific, whether they could have produced video content or not. While it’s hard to be certain, I’m willing to accept any path, but I will try my best to go down the one I want.

If you were able to listen to all that, then maybe there’s something here for you. I will have videos that are wordy, ones that not, and potentially ones entirely without words. Presenting to you with what I have in mind for this channel is the main intention of this video, and it’s the most important part of this video. If you decide to listen further, it’s going to be more personal talk, about me, what I like, and it might give some insight into how I became the person I am, and where I might be going. I think it’s good to give an idea of what I believe to be important, some examples, and then finally some closure to this video.

I want to make beautiful things. This is no easy task; beautiful things take tremendous amounts of effort, energy, and time. I have to learn how to build the beautiful thing, work on my ability to build it, and then exert the energy and time to normalizing that building ability as a baseline. I used to fantasize about being less, so I wouldn’t have to do this, so that I could do a different task that would be easily maintained as my baseline. However, whenever I tried that, it hurt me. So, I’m here now; doing what I can now, however limited that may be. I may never be able to create a thing of beauty, but I can try. I might have made mention of these things that I consider beautiful, but I will go into deeper detail to give a better idea of what I’m mentally magnetized towards and engaged with.

I love words. They’re difficult to use but that’s probably one reason I find them beautiful. I’m embarrassed to say that I only know just a few of one language’s words. English, obviously, but I also have in mind another language I will have to learn, and I know that will open up many doors for me. Writing is one aspect of using words, like a novel or essay, but you can write lyrics and poetry too. You can write your feelings, you can write a thesis, you can write a means to save the world, or a means to destroy it. Words are a beautiful means of communication, and someone who can utilize them well can get me excited. I love their ability to communicate ideas, and they are great for varying levels of abstraction, one set of words can be vastly different from another person, and that plays into the beauty. I didn’t enjoy “what was the author’s intent…” because we’re under the assumption that the author only has one intent with a specific part of a novel or story, but that intent can go beyond the author, for they might have a limited scope as to their ability to view the words they use. My vocabulary can, well, as you have heard, be dry and boring, but the only way to improve it is to learn new words by reading and writing with them. I have to work on writing better, I want to write something I would want to read, and it takes a lot of time and effort to get there, and as I improve, the bar will only be getting higher. I won’t just read any assortment of words, I want to read a good assortment of words, words with a purpose and intent, words that make me feel like they are worth reading, and that I should keep on reading them because of words I already read. Of course, this applies to listening too, like what you’re doing right now. Words come with limitations, but not with the same limitations that visuals have.

I love visuals. Drawing is nice, but specific topics like graphic design also interest me. Really, being able to see can be great, unfortunately, many want to abuse this, and so it can also be overstimulating and tiring. I’m constantly seeing, but sometimes I really don’t want to. Especially on the internet, where everyone wants my attention, and so they do things to try and grab my attention to what they want me to see, but once you perceive that all the time, it gets mentally and visually tiring. Think about a retail store, let’s say a grocery store, you might hate them for your own reasons, but they are bright, and not only is the store itself trying to get you interested to go there over somewhere else, but all the product wants you to buy it over the competitor it sits next to. Red and yellow get so tiring to see all the time; the saturation hurts when it’s all that you see. Mind you, I worked in a grocery store, so if you have as well, you probably have been hurt by the product on the shelf in the same way. However, I find beauty in using visuals for other purposes; for expressing feelings or thoughts that cannot be expressed with words or music, but instead work into the visual stimulus, and once again, leave some room for interpretation. The creator can give or take that freedom of interpretation, but that goes for all art forms. I find it beautiful because it works on my visual perception of the world, and allows me to express that type of perception directly, I can view something and draw it, and someone next to me can do the same thing, but draw something completely different. We probably have drawn something similar, but it can become obvious what details were more important to us than others. My abilities here are especially weak, but I’m actively trying to learn and improve.

I love music. I think just about everyone loves music. It’s kind of how everyone loves words and visuals, but they don’t talk about it because they take it for granted, they’re basically always reading and seeing. Additionally, not everyone reads the same novels or the same news articles, and not everyone listens to the same genres of music. Whether they’re reading or seeing with intent is another story, and music plays into the sense of hearing. It can take aspects of words with lyrics, aspects of visuals with album art, and then go off into its own thing. In my experience, it has the greatest ability to impair me. I have had situations where I was focusing on a task, and then a certain song plays, and then I can’t do anything else until I stop it or let it finish. This comes and goes, and of course, it varies. I don’t feel the same way for grocery store music, or genres I don’t care about, but for the music I do care about, it can happen out of the blue. I find that beautiful, to be so absorbed in something I can’t see, but I can hear it, and what I hear can quickly transform into what I feel. Music can influence me to feel certain ways very quickly, which makes me careful with what I listen to, when I’m listening to music. I find the structures in music to be beautiful as well, some structures you can work within, or others you can adjust, or maybe even destroy, but it has to be done with purpose, love, and intent. I’m only learning guitar currently, but if I ever have more time, I’d like to expand that, but as you might guess, I have more than enough on my plate.

I hope that gives you an idea of what I am and what I like. Some things I’d also like to make last mentions of before this is over.

1. I may have presented, and likely will present, views that seem simple and clear, but they actually might not be. I might have a view on words, like that they can’t be too abstract or else they lose all meaning, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe words can’t be abstract or that they are set-and-stone. I might say not what I mean, and that later will need clarification.
2. I don’t like arguing. If I presented or will present views you personally disagree with, I’m content with being told I’m wrong or that my views are inaccurate, but I don’t like to argue. I don’t understand why people do like to argue, but I don’t. I’ll hear you out as long as you hear me out, and just because I don’t admit you’re right then and there, or you don’t admit I’m right, doesn’t mean the ideas or views aren’t going to change, sometimes they just need more time.
3. Please do not be quick to judge. I’m a person, a human being, unfortunately, and that means I might be or do things you don’t like. Please don’t judge me for these things. If you want to tell me you don’t like these aspects, then tell me, but please don’t tell me I’m awful for them, just tell me why you don’t like them, or what I could do to change them and why, I don’t see why we have to be hurtful to each other for seemingly no reason.
4. So… the furry avatar. I could have chosen a human one, but I don’t identify with it, and if I could this furry avatar over a human one, then I’m going to. Am I furry? Yeah, I suppose so, but I don’t think it matters. I’d like to imagine I can eventually write well enough so that someone who might not like seeing this character can still listen to my thoughts and feelings and obtain something out of it. Chances are, you won’t care if you’re like me, but there might be people will old systems of thought instilled by others to hate what they don’t understand, but that type of person probably didn’t make it to the end.

I hope you now understand some things I think what I intend to do on this channel. Actions will speak louder than words, so I might have said I wanted to X and Y, but I might do something entirely different.