6/14/2024
I have been influenced by “Aeuic” to begin journaling on a daily basis and make special note of the changes internally shifting. My systems are something I want to make fluid and always in a state of change so in order to capture when those changes happen, why they happened, and if they should have happened, I journal, and they are all important in deciding whether they should stay or go. In my mind, journaling is going through the daily aspects of life and those thoughts make the idea of journaling pretty tedious and boring, so I think that writing out what my life is currently and what is ultimately remaining the same is fine to do starting today and then making note of those changes.
Currently I have to work night-shift on three days: Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday. The hours that I work on these days are consistency 11 PM – 7:30 AM with the exception of Sunday night which is 11:30 PM – 8:00 AM. The work I do is simply stocking shelves. I find the work depressing and awful, and thus, I tend to disassociate at work to help ease the pain dealing with the fact that all I am is a box opener. However, things can happen at work that make a greater change. For example, a co-worker, [redacted], is not awful, and has influenced my thinking. In particular, he influenced me to believe that people are not as they were in high school; people don’t care about you as much as you may think. Of course this is circumstantial, but he was only trying to promote growth and positivity out of me, as it was pretty clear that I was, and still am, an isolated person.
Most days I’m reading and playing guitar, I’ve introduced playing VRC and guitar together for a few hours. I make attempts to find interesting conversation to partake in or create that conversation myself. Unfortunately, it usually doesn’t occur in any extent and I eventually hop off feeling alienated and upset. I may play some more guitar, read some, or go about something else. These things tend to eat up my time quite a bit. In the mix sometimes I will occasionally write, not to the extent that I’d like to, but I write when it is needed, like now! I’m going to introduce another variable into the mix which is mathematics. I am beginning on the Algebra I level, moving to II, trigonometry, and then hopefully pre-calculus, and then finally calculus. From there, I’m unsure of what I’ll do. I will stick with this.
Home life sucks for the most part, I’m unhappy with the people around me, those who hate me for what I am. Sure, I have tried hiding those aspects of myself that they hate, like the homosexuality, but that only hurts me. Anytime I actively externalized some part of my feelings or self, like painting my nails, I was met with hatred and told to not do that. Sure, I can avoid their rules, but that’s going to make things worse for me. If I have to be around people I don’t like and those people don’t like me, how do you think I’ll feel then? A lot worse than now. I’m trying to find work to get out of here, but it seems like getting a helpdesk position remotely won’t happen, nor will obtaining one at an office, so I just have to keep trying until it does or find something else. I currently believe that as things stand, I’ll last longer working my few days and living here than working six days and daily overtime at my current job in order to move out in some area close to my job. I have to keep trying. This agony influences me greatly, and when I’m surrounded by those who hate me, I too, hate myself. I want to love those around me and love myself, but I am having trouble doing so. I am trying to resolve this.
The catalyst for me writing right now would be the feeling I received when I felt like I wasn’t alone. I had someone to talk to, and someone I liked, which gave them power over me and my beliefs… to some extent anyway. I am writing here because I genuinely believe now that it makes sense to do so, that there is some actual benefit in me writing down my thoughts, experiences, and changes in thought on a daily basis for me to review at a later period. As long as I can hold onto this feeling or activate it when needed, I can continue writing on a daily basis here.
I liked the idea of “shame” that Aeuic brought up in our conversation. We shifted from topic to topic, but there was an example he gave of shame that I had heard of but did not take note of the shameful aspect. The idea is that someone will get home from work, feeling terribly fatigued, but will put their gym clothes on so that they may go to the gym. Why? His view, or one particular aspect of his view, was that it would be shameful not to. He said something along the lines of, “Imagine if you got home, put your gym clothes on, and didn’t go to the gym, how would you feel?” I realized shame was a motivator, but in this analogy, I have always that thought by putting your gym clothes on, you put yourself into the mindset of “I need to go to the gym!” These are both true, but mine is only true when you have the willpower to ritualize the gym, when you have forced yourself to go there after work a few times and it is now part of your regular schedule, and by not going to the gym, you are breaking that schedule.
I tried talking about what motivated me to do things and the best I could come up with was the fact that I “felt good” doing the things like guitar, writing, reading, and increasing my general knowledge base. I did not believe then it was out of shame, nor did he propose the actions were a reaction to the feelings of shame, but I do wonder if that is another aspect of why I do what I do. Indeed, at this time, it feels good to acquire knowledge and grow, I always want to be in a state of fluidity and growth. However, I also believe that I have convinced myself that it would be bad or unwanted to stop growing. To stop growing would be gross or disgusting, it would be shameful to stop expanding my mind with information, perspectives, and skills. This I don’t believe is influenced by anyone else. No one else in my life is exactly promoting my growth nor shaming me for a lack of growth. Perhaps there are those who want me to grow, like [redacted], but his ideas of growth are generally rooted around money, as his only push has been towards college, which I had already decided on without his promotive attitude.
Another thought that came up when I was thinking about what motivated me was something I had said to [redacted] in the first(?) year of high school. It was the fact that I wanted to be able to talk with anyone about anything, and she also wished for the same thing. Obviously we’re both pretty naïve about that, it’s just not possible, but that idea may be deeply rooted in me which acts as another proponent as to why I do the things I do. Understanding myself, others, and the world will only open doors to communication, not close them. (Unless you consider the inability to talk with those who are on the shallower side of the spectrum closing doors. While I may say “inability” I actually mean that it’s cognitively tiring, these people are quickly learnt. However, I can learn to find specific aspects of people I may consider shallow and inquire and look deeper into them.)
I starting reading Immanual Kant’s The Critique of Pure Reason and I have not made it past the translator’s notes quite yet, but I will do so today, I’m sure. I think this book will offer some perspectives and ideas that I already had and will increase the complexity of those ideas, and hopefully, it will introduce a plethora of other ideas that I have not had and will weigh and consider if they should stay within my mind long-term.
6/15/2024
I have less to talk about today. Yesterday I wanted to make it past the translator’s notes of The Critique of Pure Reason but not had done so until today. That took quite a while. I didn’t hop on VRC today, I didn’t feel like it was worth it. My reasoning was that I shouldn’t continually venture into instances and find myself isolated and alienated, I’m wasting my own time, effort, and energy. All of those are finite, so I might as well try to do something I believe to matter. I like conversation, I want to socialize, it’s just that it becomes very difficult to do so with people that lack similar interests.
Anyway, I still played hours of guitar. I’m not sure if I played two or three, but I’m sure its within that range. I also read through the translator’s notes, and will read more before bed. I wrote out some aspects of a dream that I thought were important. Maybe they were, maybe not. It would align with Freud’s dream fulfillment ideas. I worked on more of the math textbook today, only made it through one more section of review. I have a feeling it’s going to take a while but I’ll have to make do. I hope this time-sink isn’t in vain.
I set my alarm for one hour earlier than usual, so 6 PM instead of 7 PM. I hope I don’t regret this. I just want to get up and function at an earlier time so I can do things before work, as after work, I’m awfully exhausted. The only problem with this is that I can be far too tired to do anything, and thus, I lost sleep and feel awful. So, I’m actively considering switching it back… right now… I don’t know. I’m switching it back.
I generally feel like my memory is fading. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. There are biological limits to memory so it becomes more difficult to maintain specific memories. You prioritize memories by reinforcing them, and those you’re willing to forget, are let go. I view my memory’s inner-workings in a few ways, but there are two important aspects I wanted to make mention of. For one, I think my memory works in a way where information is never exactly lost, as in, I can find that information again. I remember the means to obtaining that information. I work this in a few ways, some better than others, but that’s another aspect of note taking and writing. I won’t remember every single thought. In addition, I’ve realized that, as I can’t remember every little thing, I should try working on the systems to obtaining and adapting. By this I mean I should try being more logical in my actions and thoughts. If I can’t remember a specific thing, I should have systems in place that can logically bring me there without having to use some external means.
6/16/2024
I don’t know if it counts to write within this day but I just woke up. I experienced 6/16/24 for the most part already and forgot to write anything down when I got home. It wasn’t on my mind. This is beginning to worry me; I don’t believe my memory has always been this poor. I don’t know the reasoning behind it, perhaps I’m not getting enough sleep? I would believe that as long as I’m pushing my brain to remember more information due to the fact I’m trying to constantly learn information, things would become easier to stick, not harder. I have some ideas as to the healing process, perhaps a psychedelic will take out my brain’s garbage that wasn’t being taken out when I was sleeping. It’s not like I’m not sleeping, just not 10-12 hours every night. I woke up thinking it was Monday, not Sunday. I intend to go on a hike Tuesday morning, I won’t forget this, however, I will be staying up even longer and probably sleeping a very short period. I think the night of that hike I should take my psychedelic and clear my mind. Will it actually help? I hope so. Anyway, yesterday was lacking in substance, I worked and that was basically the night. I’m sure I had thoughts and ideas that could have been written down, but they were not, and since I have slept, they are even further away. Thinking about the whole online presence thing, watched a YouTube video on being creative online, I’m actually beginning to consider it. I just need to be able to sacrifice sleep and to make time to begin. I want time for everything else and then some.
6/17/2024
Home. After work. I feel awful. I am actually thinking about suicide seriously. I think the best way would be a handgun. I’ve thought about taking psychedelics to feel better but I know that will only hurt me more. I don’t want to make my loneliness even worse. It hurts being me enough. I’ve been reading too much of anything intense, like stuff by Kant, so I’ve been reading No Longer Human for the third time because that was what was available to me in the moment. I’ll probably switch back to Kant or find something else to soothe my loneliness. My body and mind hurt. I want to find people that make me feel less lonely.
6/18/2024
I am so tired. My night didn’t really go anywhere, didn’t read, write, study, nothing. I played a little guitar, which wasn’t great, but something is better than nothing. I felt pretty awful throughout the night, talked with people in VRC, the only two friends it seems are available to me, and that was okay. I got home from a hike and now I can’t really write well so I’m going to bed.
6/19/2024
I feel lost and tired. I have not done much besides guitar and working on the math textbook, I had to stop doing the questions because I had enough. I think I’ve done enough of the practice review questions for the section I’m working on so I’ll check them after I wake up. I’m hoping through continual suffering I’ll eventually become better, however, seeing my simple mistakes makes me pretty upset. Guitar wasn’t anything special because I just shifted the scales down one fret and doubled each three notes per string, I didn’t practice any songs or anything interesting or different. I listened to a video while I did that. Nothing feels like enough, I always feel like I’m running out of time. How am I supposed to do anything if I feel so tired from this minimal amount of action? It’s like I’m built to suffer, and then I’m supposed to go to work and do something I hate. At least I got my tuition reimbursement yesterday, and after the hike, I deposited it. Woohoo, two thousand bucks.
This is the extent of my writing for the day too, I would write more but where is the energy to do so? Where is the time to do so? I don’t understand these people who can sleep only for something like six hours. I’m trying to work on my diet and see if that helps, maybe I just need less carbohydrates and more vegetables? More vegetables won’t hurt anything, and I probably need that anyway. I just don’t want to feel like I’m in this agony anymore. I hate this constant feeling of fatigue and inability to do anything. I want to do things, not suffer. I want to feel good.
6/20/2024
Hey, I’m just about to go to bed. Finished work, took a shower, relaxed a bit, now I’m going to cozy myself up and try to rest. I want to rest quite a bit this time around, but after this, I’m going to attempt minimizing my sleep as much as possible. I’m thinking 6-8 hours per day will work for me if I try. I’m slightly worried about the effects on my memory, however, I think I should be fine as long as I’m getting my REM sleep in, which I need to learn more about. If I can promote more REM sleep, I’ll probably be fine. I forgot things while working, I’d think to myself, “I’ll do X and after that I’ll do Y,” and then have to walk back to wherever I was to do Y. I might be overreacting, but I want to avoid forgetting things like that, however it takes focus, and when you’re disassociating like that, it isn’t as easy. Is the poor memory a result of the environment or is something going wrong? For the most part, at home, I’m fine, memory-wise. I’m not perfect, I still need to find other ways to work on my biological memory, but I don’t have freak-outs when studying, after studying, or whatever, but maybe I’m not being hard enough on myself.
Have been thinking extensively on creating a YouTube channel and other social media accounts as a means of gathering people together, ideally people that I would like, to ease my loneliness, and maybe on the side, giving out information I find valuable enough to those who may be willing to listen. I also intend to make related social media accounts, although I don’t really like those. This would promote many different skills at once and I’m very interested in the dualistically positive nature of this.
6/21/2024
My head hurts. I think I have to accept I have a biological limit when it comes to internalizing information. I read textbooks and wrote notes all day with the exception of eating time, in which I watched academically-leaning videos. I also played guitar for a little under two hours. After all that, I tried working on the math textbook, and it really showed how far I had pushed myself. I didn’t work on the review questions for this section, but I will after I wake up and feel ready to go. I might just have to cut the time down for my information intake. Maybe shift priorities as to what comes first? Maybe instead of math being last, I make it first? Something like that, I should probably shift the most difficult tasks in the front and then the least difficult in the back. I want to bring in all these varieties of information in but it seems I can’t be like other people, essentially “working” for 12 hours, I don’t know how it’s done.
I think I did mostly okay, I won’t beat myself up too much. I think after I sleep things will improve. I didn’t eat a third meal which is something I was considering, that probably is impacting my ability to think at this “third-stage” of my day. I will continue to push myself so that hopefully, with enough time and effort, my baseline will be raised and this won’t feel nearly as agonizing as it does now. If it doesn’t, I will have to cut things out or limit the time focused on them. The item most likely to be minimized is math.
6/22/2024
New day, new me. Seriously. I’m always in a state of change. I am never me; I am only what I am going to be. Anyway, I have had a change in plans. Instead of focusing hours of my time on mathematics, I’m going to shift that time to fit in art. I want to learn how to draw properly, which is a huge time sink in conjunction with everything else, but I think it makes more sense than mathematics because at the very least it supplements everything else I’m learning. It’s also something I’ve always been interested in but never had the power to focus on it and maintain that for an extended period of time, but now, as is clearly seen, I can focus for very long stretches of time and obtain, digest, and articulate much larger amounts of information than pre-stimulants.
I did start with mathematics today, and despite it eating up a huge chunk of time, the last chunk it will eat until a new era takes over, I was able to make it to factoring polynomials. That really isn’t much, but it’s such a huge time sink. The content itself isn’t all that difficult, but doing so many problems sucks. But anyway, the point is, starting out with mathematics helped a lot. Instead of being frustrated and tired at the end of the day, I was awake and mentally-fresh enough to handle it much better than the day previous.
I really need to write some more too. I have ideas that are floating and staying in my head which is great and all until they aren’t. I need as many possible means to take these ideas and do something with them. They won’t all stick, most of them won’t, but at the very least I’ll have the proof that they didn’t and I can try new ideas, rinse and repeat until… death?
Being alone like this for hours isn’t great but not as agonizing as I’d expect it to be if I were me from a few months ago. I think it’s because I am utterly distracted by the intake and articulation of information that I forget that I’m alone and thus cannot be depressed or upset over it. I’d like to continue this for as long as possible. One last thing, I’m going to try listening to audiobooks at work, and I’ll be trying The Hobbit first. Yes, I’ve read it before, but that’s the point. I hopefully will be able to hold onto it mentally and, if I’m lucky, enjoy it too. I’ll let you know what happens.
6/23/2024
Not feeling so great. Work beats me down. I ate before bed. I was lying in bed and then remembered I had to write a journal entry. I listened to the audiobook, the Hobbit, I found a really good one and that has had me immersed. It will be over though and I’ll have to find something else. Might try the library to see if I can find anything, or I might just pay for Audible, it doesn’t really matter, I just want to listen to books as I work. I was really considering quitting the job, but I know I’m too weak. I’m too weak and stupid. I want to be free. I want to die.
6/25/2024
I have nothing to say.
6/26/2024
The day prior was awful. I basically could not function and was in agony the entirety of the night and even into bed. Today, however, has been quite the upgrade. I believe it to be due to the sleep deprivation I’ve experienced. I’m not quite sure how many hours I slept, but I’m suspecting it was 4-6 hours and I guess that was enough to save me. I took stimulants and went to work playing guitar, then drinking more coffee, studying, writing, you know the deal. Worked out pretty okay. Not perfect, I felt pretty ill for a lot of the night, and I’m sure I’ll feel the same nearing the end when I’m in bed, but I was actually able to do things. After I sleep, I’ll have to face work and I think I’ll be fine. Turning my brain off is one option but I can keep trying to find new music that I find interesting or meaningful, and now I have access to audiobooks.
I basically finished the digital-marketing textbook I have been going through. Not to say I’m done with it completely or marketing in general, but I think I’ve retired the textbook itself for now. Most of the information I need or want is in a document which I’ve gone back to for questions and brand building ideas in order for me to more clearly understand what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and how I’m going to do it. It’s been okay. I intend to continue on that streak, instead of studying out of a textbook I’ll be using my notes and the information learned to act and actually make things that “my type of people” would want to see, or at least consider it when creating things.
I finished the graphic arts textbook too, although it was really lame and didn’t go deep into anything. I have more textbooks lined up for this which I have not started quite yet, but after I’m done typing this I might. I will try to more deeply understand why things look good and how to go about creating those things, I’ll be writing down notes for all these textbooks but I’m under the suspicion that as I acquire more knowledge, the less notes I’ll write. Reading itself will be enough of a reinforcement.
I have been pretty focused on color, not obsessed, and learning about it on YouTube has been enjoyable. I have not written notes down but I have found nice information online alongside relevant images.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but sometimes I write words that are three words behind my thinking or I write “ing” when I wanted to write “ed.” These slips of my conscious mind keep happening and I wanted it down on a document with a clear date that I know for sure when it could’ve started. From my mind, it has been weeks of this.
I’ve requested artwork of my character and of a particular crystal cavern I liked. The character is just my goat and two reference sheets to match, I’ll use these in order to buy more art, although my intention is to buy headshots for profile pictures, probably two. The crystal cavern is going to be pixel-art; based on an image I found really pretty. I really enjoyed the artist’s work.
I also started work on website development. I have a textbook now, uncertain as to whether or not I’ll be writing notes. I probably should. Anyway, building my own website is important, I want it to align with the aesthetics of my other media presences, so that will be a goal of mine. Probably will take a while, I am using Neocities and I bought the “Vekinuma.com” domain name. Probably will take quite some time to learn the basics and to learn how to customize the site as I wish. I have an idea of colors I want to use, a nice purple and blue work together, aligning with that crystal cavern image I really liked. I’ll be careful not to make it too saturated or bright, just enough for the aesthetic to match while not being vomit-inducing or tiresome to look at. The website’s goal will be to inform while looking pretty; the prettiness will complement the important thing: text.
I also need to start drawing and learning about artwork itself, I have plenty of information to get started, I just need to start. I also need to learn about video editing and better photomanipulation and general knowledge of photoshop.
6/27/2024
Would you believe my head is pretty empty after a day of shitty work? Yes, you would. I don’t feel like putting a bullet through my brain, but if given the opportunity, I might not pass up on it. Didn’t have power when I woke up, sucked, but that’s life I suppose. Work sucked, but that’s expected. I came home, feeling pretty awful, but that’s how it goes. I played a little guitar before I left and that was fun with the acoustic. I probably have to retune the D and G strings though, but will I actually remember that? Probably not. The book I’ve been reading has been good too, took a break from the philosophical brain torture and instead opted for The Bell Jar which has been pretty relatable.
6/28/2024
Hey. Progress was okay. Not great, but spent time on the web development stuff, then shuffled off to some more art-related stuff. Guitar came before those two, of course, and it was actually okay. I didn’t make as much progress as I wanted. I did retune the acoustic. Didn’t really get into a graphic design textbook because I was so focused on the art stuff. The textbook, or just book, is focused on perception of the world around you and converting that to your ability to draw, or so it seems. Like Two Minds or whatever it’s called. Should see some progress. I hope anyway. I also really want to work beyond just fundamentals. I need to make it similar to guitar, part of my mandatory cycle. I bought pencils and pens, got them today, real nice. That’s about it… I guess I moved some things around on my desk? Thinking about spending money, perhaps? Wishing I had more time and money, of course. I’ll read some in bed.
6/29/2024
Tired. Too tired to journal. Nothing to say really.
7/3/2024
Notice that gap in time? That’s because I worked three days and felt awful all three of them to the extent I wasn’t willing to write anything. Not like they mattered, it was work as usual and I listened to the LOTR while I worked. I should write, in very specific and meticulous detail, of how it feels to work there, and all the things I do, very specifically. Anyway, I got a reference sheet finished of my character, got nice banner artwork, and now am commissioning a nice headshot. Things are coming together which is quite nice. Didn’t do all that much today, I think I’m going to try and shift my focus away from the website for now, until I can spend an entire night or two on it while I take a break from something else. There’s a lot to be done there and some things can’t properly be fixed at the moment. Guitar is okay. Need to draw more, a lot more. Need to learn a lot more about drawing too, have not even looked into the graphic design textbook as I was supposed to, but I will work my way in there. Also have to get some model-related stuff done, have to buy that model I like and find someone to adjust it to my particular character, from there, I think I’ll be okay to then get face-tracking on that model. After that, most things should be coming together, hoping by late-July or early-August for that to be the case. I need to write more too.
7/4/2024
I didn’t sleep well. I was awake for a while after I wrote that journal entry and went back and forth with some people online regarding artwork, so some of that is done and I’m happy with the results. Also contacted someone regarding the editing of a model I’d like to be more like my character, so that’s also now in the works, although expected to take 15 business days, or three weeks. I spent a lot of time drawing today, focusing on lines in specific, especially those exercises where you focus on a point and draw the line while not looking down at your paper. Contour lines are important and I intend to continue focusing on them. I have not opened up a graphic design textbook, but I’ll get on that soon, if I sleep well, I don’t see why I can’t fit one hour to be used for that purpose. I also need to write more. I need to write a lot more. The longer I go without writing, the worse it becomes, and it’s been weeks since I properly wrote something that I thought wasn’t so dreadful that I’d equate it to a third-grader’s ability to write. Website stuff was changed a bit, generally happy where that is now. Guitar is okay as well. Soon enough I’ll have to start actual production of content, probably near the end of July, so I should understand basic graphic design rules, basic control of video-editing software, photo-manipulation software, and be able to write thoughts or ideas that I would be willing to listen to.
7/5/2024
I don’t even know where my day went. I think I spent most of it on guitar… then that was it. Then, I drew very little, and did not learn anything, practice and repetition helps but I need more information. SO tired.
7/6/2024
Another small entry. Yesterday, I spent most of the night on guitar and decided to draw while listening to and glancing at videos before bed, which wasn’t terribly awful. Tonight, I did have a focus on guitar again, but was able to incorporate some writing, actually eating food, and later some drawing. Although that’s the extent of the night, which sucks. It goes by pretty quick. I will write some more soon I think, and I will refine what I’ve already written before putting it on my website. Currently have a strong focus on scales on guitar, and how everything is referenced to each other, on an even deeper level than before, (AND CHORDS, AND BUILDING THEM, AND READING THEM) and contour lines in drawing. I want to get into more things very soon, but it means cutting out time for others, which I don’t like. Video editing, writing, and graphic design are all going to have to come into play very soon.
7/7/24
I have energy after work which is a surprise. I can’t believe I can feel this energized, and the night passed extraordinarily quick. I don’t know why that is. I listened to the LOTR, but listened to music at the beginning of the night. It was whatever, just work, not enjoyable obviously. I took a quick shower and have stretched, so I intend to continue on drawing for a bit before bed. I was thinking about writing some, but of course, I continually neglect it. If I really feel up to it, after drawing, I’ll write until I sleep. Although I don’t expect to be up for more than one or two hours beyond writing this.
7/8/24
I have a small amount of energy but I think I’m just going to lay down. Long shower day, so that ate up time. I’m not feeling great either.
7/9/24
An awful night. I really didn’t do much. I wrote a little bit but that’s it. A tiny amount of guitar. A tiny amount of drawing.
7/10/24
I didn’t feel totally awful all night, but it hasn’t been wonderful. Transitioned from guitar, to writing, to a shower, and then to some drawing. Not enough. I’m tired, but I’ve tried. I ate food before bed, and now I’m feeling pretty tired.
7/11/24
Another day, another way, but not another reason to continue. Worked. Felt like I was either schizophrenic or things are not as they seem. Yes, I don’t believe things to be as they seem, but I thought this because of my underwater dream, which I can’t really describe, especially considering how much time has passed, and then as I think about it as I’m putting SpongeBob mac n’ cheese on the shelf, “Ocean Man” plays, which has never played on the store radio before. I genuinely felt like I was being mocked. Then, I really wasn’t feeling like an audiobook would be great, and decided on an Ulver album, and this could just be an appeal to me, but I overthought the line “reality is a prison for mind” which is something I totally agree with, but felt deeper and more intimate because of the circumstances. I just wish I could do something or know that what I’m doing is right or feel like this suffering is worth it or meaningful or something. I’m giving myself a few more months before I commit suicide. I’m not doing anything now; I’m going to get in bed and read. Might work on my resume when I wake up. Make it actually decent to look at.
7/12/24
Rough night, not emotionally rough, but it didn’t really feel like I moved or improved on anything. I think as I wake up and I drink my coffee, I’ll look online for courses that focus on Photoshop and Premiere. The books are great or whatever, but I think video format for learning these programs is ideal. Especially if I want to learn graphic design and applying those ideas into Photoshop directly. Drawing was okay, not long enough, but it is what it is. I think I’ll push for a stronger focus on it tomorrow. I didn’t write, at all, this is about it, which also isn’t good. Guitar was okay. I wasted time making a shitty resume in Photoshop too.
7/13/24
Not the end of the night quite yet, but not a very productive night. I got sorted out with textbooks and online courses, so I should be set there. I might just dedicate a day or two to focusing on specific programs to improve on via these courses, and that should help me significantly. I played guitar for about two hours and watched contour drawings, did some basic practice, worked on one contour drawing, and I intend to do another. Time just falls through your fingers if you let it, and I let it.
7/14/24
Bought my mom a birthday card and scratch-offs. I’m going to buy more pencils, pens, and some other supplements to help reduce stress. Listened to Funeral Diner and I’d suggest “…Is Dead” when you have a chance. Listened to it at work but couldn’t appreciate it as much as it deserves.
7/15/24
Just wanted to quickly write a short journal before bed. I bought a lot of stuff recently, I just bought a bass guitar, strings, cleaning supplies, along with all the pencils and pens I already had bought. I’ve spent quite a bit of money and I think I ought to stop. The next thing I’ll spend money on is the face tracking for the avatar, but after that, it should end, perhaps I’ll get someone to make some clothing, but other than that, nothing else should be spent. Perhaps in a month or two when I truly feel able, hopefully I’ll ramp up the spending again, but for now, that should not be the case.
7/16/24
Drawing is so mentally tiring. It requires immense effort and focus, while also maintaining a looseness, my perception is worked so hard when looking at images and converting them to my paper. I think I’ll get better and improve as I draw more, obviously, just very difficult because I’m new. I spent so much time just correcting myself because I wanted something to actually be a little accurate, I know I have to keep everything in relation to each other, but sometimes, I don’t, and I need to work more on that. Otherwise, guitar, shower, basic human things, and that’s been the entirety of the night. No more watching a contour drawing, so it’s nice to be passed that. I wanted to write some, but I don’t know if I’ll be capable because I’m getting pretty tired.
7/17/24
Drawing really IS so mentally tiring. I’ve never had something grind me down like this. All I’m doing is focusing on and working with line, I’m working after I sleep, so I won’t draw, probably, but the day after I’m going to work on something new, I don’t know exactly what that will be but it should be the next video in the drawing database playlist I’ve been using. Of course, I did not write again, but I think after this journal I’ll write a little bit, I’ll try at least to get started so it will be easier to move on from whatever point I end on in the document. I bought some online courses because they were cheap, and I’ll be going through those when they become important and I need the skills then and there. These being a course on using video-editing software, you know which one, graphic design, and using Blender. The last thing in the list is because of the hours I spent fucking around with Blender and Unity today, and that cut out a lot of my time, otherwise I would have spent more time drawing and I would have had no problem writing. Now, I understand the necessity for learning about it and working with it, not that I really want to get into 3D modeling, but I think I should know the basics, for there are many things I want to build that would be fitting for 3D digital environments, such as VR. Unity will come along with this, but I will be learning that without a course, just through the internet and trial and error.
7/18/24
Too tired to do anything after work other than stretch and then get into bed. Received all my drawing supplies, so that’s nice. Listening to the LOTR was nice at work today too, I didn’t listen to music at all.
7/19/24
I think the point of journaling is to write of all the things that occurred, whether or not I consider them important or not, because the future “me” will not know of my own system of importance and non-importance. Too bad I’m too lazy and tired to do that. Same old routine today. Guitar, writing, and drawing. More writing than drawing this time around, but very little of any of them. Not really a great night, but I tried. Just felt pretty awful this night, but I really tried, I really did. Supposedly I’m getting my phenobarbital and spironolactone today, so that’s nice. I’ll find out when I wake up, I suppose. The bass should be here on Saturday, but I don’t know if it actually will be here. I also need to work on sharpening some of my Unity and Blender skills but didn’t get around to doing any of that tonight because the fear of time being eaten up. Maybe, despite not being a good thing, I’ll stay up 36 hours so I can spend an extra 10 hours or so to focus on those things, and make sure I have a good enough understanding to achieve what I want. Really, I just need to focus on making sure I like how the model looks, and I might not bother with paying people to work on the face tracking, I might just do it myself, I don’t see what makes these people so great in their ability to work on these things, especially for something like 300 dollars, I don’t know if I can be bothered with them. If I can spend three ten-hour sessions learning this material enough to do what they can do, I think it might be worth it, otherwise, probably not. I’m only human after-all. At least my perception of the world is changing with my increased knowledge of the rudimentary parts of drawing, so that’s helpful when I want to view something in order to transition it to paper. Really, I’m getting close to the point where I should actually be making content. In a sense, I am, because I’m writing, because I really need to pick up on learning how to video-edit, some fundamental graphic design, and adjusting the model so that I like it enough to present it to the internet. Considering I need all of these all at once while also keeping my current regimen, I’ll be forced to do two-36-hour sessions per week in order to fit them in, which should last only for two weeks, and then I can go back to normal.
7/20/24
7/21/24
I didn’t write anything in the journal yesterday because I had not thought of it, and when I did, I was in bed, unwilling to get up to write a few lines. It was the same old, guitar, writing, and drawing. I was frustrated at the end of the day, I couldn’t get the perspective correct on something I was drawing, and I had enough and just stopped, and tried sleeping instead. I laid there for a while but eventually did fall asleep. I took a quick shower after work and now I’m here. I got my bass today, which is nice, I think I’ll end up cleaning it and putting new strings on when it turns Monday, but we’ll see. I might try writing a little bit before bed now, but I don’t know.
7/22/24
Typical day. Although before going to work I cleaned the bass and replaced the strings. I worked, it sucked, I came home, and I had to cut grass and so that was done before my shower, and now I am here. Not much to speak of. I’m pretty tired though, so I think I’ll be able to sleep. Tomorrow, I intend to extend my day by another 12 hours, making it around ~36 hours total, hopefully it isn’t too awful, but I will write of it.
7/23/24
I feel pretty rough. I really don’t want to stay up for another 24 hours, but I’m going to. Today wasn’t totally awful, but the time disappeared. I played guitar, a touch of bass, and drew, for a couple hours each. Otherwise, I just had other normal human bullshit to do. I didn’t write any, despite wanting to, but I’ll be awake for a while yet, so I’m sure I’ll write then if I’m capable, which I’m sure I can force myself to do. I experienced a lot of agony, to be fair, felt like I was dying at multiple points throughout the night, and I hold the expectation I will have more of those moments. I listened to music in the beginning of the day as well. I really didn’t feel like I progressed much in anything I did, the night is already over, it’s gone, and my only two alternatives are to torture myself by staying awake or sleeping and losing all that time. I wish I could do something good for once, I wish I could make something good, I wish I could understand something good, but I can’t. I have nothing I’m skilled at. I’m incompetent in all aspects of life, too. I try so hard but I have nothing to show for it, because I’m retarded, and progress is so slow. I’m going to spend the extra time trying to learn the basics of Blender.
7/24/24
I am ready to pass out. Did a lot of Blender, was probably worth it, but throughout the night was miserable, and it’s only 5:26 AM but I can’t keep going. I’m trying to watch an art video but I can’t do it. I’m going to sleep and hopefully be able to do something when I wake up to make up for not being able to do it now. No writing again. Guitar and bass were in.
7/25/24
I worked, I didn’t sleep very well, learned about 3-point perspective when I couldn’t sleep, then I did sleep, felt like shit, and then worked, with a little bass before work. I got home and then ate food, but I’m ready to sleep now.
7/29/24
Dropped off the journaling because I have been and still am feeling awful. The days I’ve been working have sucked, and I didn’t really do anything before or after work, so that’s to be noted. Friday night I did a little, my usual, but on Thursday night, I had done very little and felt especially awful. I had fainted that night too. Since then, I have bought more substances, most notably Xanax and my presses, but also DMT. Will try to get back to normal. I had really considered suicide, and still am, but have not received my means to do so, so I wonder if that will ever come along. I will try to write some more, have not done that in a while. I think I might have a little on Thursday night, but it wasn’t a lot. I really need to do two more 36-hour days, I think that would help a lot, but I’m aware I’m going to be hurting myself by doing that, but I guess all things come at a cost.
7/30/24
It isn’t the end of the day but it’s time to write a journal entry. Another 36-hour day incoming, it’s going to be miserable, and I’m going to be miserable, and my body is going to cry out for a new host. My day so far hasn’t been great, I loosely played guitar for about four hours but I spent a lot of time focusing and talking with someone, the single male friend from high school, and that was alright, but very energy consuming. Also time consuming. But it’s over now and I must make do with what I have, and I have enough to continue working. After guitar I did some drawing things, so far only basic movement practice, but watched a video to help me visualize and externalize means of comparing and contrasting form scales, so that things are proportional. It might help, I still need to do a drawing from a photograph, or life if I want, and then move on from there. I will work on the Blender online course thing, I should progress a bit, not all that much, but enough I suppose. Then, I’ll rinse and repeat the same cycles throughout the night, albeit limited due to my lack of slumber, and then actually sleep. I will try writing though.
7/31/24
Bad. I played guitar, did basic human things, and typed with people, and talked in a VC for over 30 minutes. These things alongside reorganizing my substances ate up all my time. Seriously. I didn’t write. I didn’t draw besides some basic forms in movement. I learned nothing new, not even drawing wise, I didn’t watch the video I was supposed to do. I’ll cope, I guess. Work after I wake up, I’ll have to make do. I am very tired. I hope I can make up for this lost time. There was Blender, but I don’t know if that counts. I didn’t even do 36 hours, I still slept like, 5 hours.
8/1/24
I’m tired and forgetful. I must sleep good. Work was work.
8/3/24
Well, it’s been alright, I guess. I spent yesterday like usual, but nearly four hours were spent in bed, just laying there, because I felt suddenly awful and tired, but I couldn’t sleep. Thankfully, that didn’t happen today. I woke up, and almost instantly was on guitar, which was great. I went from guitar, to coffee, to bathroom, to bass, and then to drawing. From drawing I went to food, to more drawing, to shower, to more drawing, to more food, and then more drawing. That was it. No writing. I wrote a little yesterday though, I finished up a rough draft of one thing. Today was spent a little better than usual, and I hope to continue this level of efficiency without feeling like shit. It’s not easy. I really have to pick up more things too, but it’s hard to do that, as something else will be cut out in its place.
8/7/24
Didn’t write anything for a couple days. I’ve still been operating but not all that great. On Monday, I had such bad anxiety that I barely functioned, today I was able to function but that doesn’t mean I felt good or had a good time through the day. Otherwise, my days have sucked, and I have sucked. I wish I could feel a bit better. I’ve been pretty lonely. Very lonely. This level of detachment is not something I’ve experienced for a long time. I’m still playing guitar, drawing, not really writing, did a little Blender today, but I really watched through part of it. Wish I was more of a machine, but I need sleep, rest, comforts, and whatever, I can’t just turn the “me” off and get to work. It really sucks. Progress has been okay. For drawing, I think for at least two days I need to focus on drawing, no new content, I think I need to work on the current content I have in my mind, and really work hard on that, and then I can introduce more information. Two days is not a long period of time, but I think it will really help me out, giving myself an hour or two to work on drawing is better than having it on content that I can’t properly utilize yet. Somehow, I’ll have to make time for Blender, something will have to be cut, that’s just the reality of it, but at least I’m quitting my job soon, so I’ll have three more days to work with.
8/13/24
Things are changing. It isn’t quite the morning, when I’d be writing a journal entry, but it’s obvious that my entries have been pushed aside. For what, exactly? I could tell you for this or that, but it’s really because I’ve been very depressed lately. I’ve been able to do things still, my normal regimen, you might say, but I’ve had days where I had absolutely lost it. I just couldn’t function. I felt utterly and totally awful. Right now, I feel quite similar, but for a different reason. Changes are coming and they are intense and powerful, and I have to be strong to handle them. What’s happening, exactly? Fate. I’m letting fate take over. [Redacted] needs two roommates, he knows my situation, living in a horrible environment with horrible people, and we both can give each other something. I become his roommate, thus making him look for one less person, and as a result of this, I can escape this place of torture. I haven’t felt this level of anxiety since the high dose trip, which goes to say how I feel about this and what is happening. I’ve already bought a ticket. I’m not letting myself fall. I will free myself. I have three days left of work, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday. So, I have a ticket for the 21st, Wednesday, and I either have to get there via [redacted] driving me or an Uber or some other method. I think [redacted] will drive me though, especially if I let him know what’s going on, at least a little bit. If not, then like said, the alternative means are available to me if necessary. This is a lot for me, but I think this is a turning point in my life. I can’t help but notice how these things are lining up quite nicely, like quitting my job, trying to maintain interests, creating interests in the first place, really just trying my hardest, and now I’ve been given the opportunity to deal with my largest problem, a core problem, my environment, and I can’t help but believe that I’m lucky. I have to be lucky or something, or maybe I’ve had enough suffering, and I’ve paid my dues, and I can finally end the suffering, at least that portion.
I’ve begun some preparations, like going through all my paperwork to see what I do and don’t need, and keeping it organized. Changing phone numbers for online services so I’m no longer using a phone number that isn’t even mine. I already was transitioning from one bank to another, so that will be completed soon as well, probably will go to the bank after work on Thursday. That will conclude a lot of the bigger things, the smaller things being material things. I’ll probably send [redacted], if he so allows for it, a few things. There’s only one way to find out. I’m trying to hold onto an emotion that isn’t the pain or the anxiety or anything that makes me feel weak. I’m trying to find a strong emotion, like anger, but it’s quite the struggle. I don’t really feel angry. I think here though, I do need to feel angry. I need to feel very angry. For being hurt like this, for so many years. And I don’t want to view [redacted] as someone who’s saving me, like I’ve described in some of my writings. When I was younger, and really still today, I’d think about someone saving me. I don’t think this is exactly the case, but the feeling is not so dissimilar. For actually doing things tonight, I was playing guitar, and I was focusing quite well just on my physical playing abilities, yet when I had the call, everything changed, and it’s been too hard to focus on anything. It’s been hard to relax at all. It’s been brutal just to relax a little bit. I will try to draw a little, even if it is rudimentary shapes, just something to get my hand moving, I’m trying not to beat myself up too much on the fact that I don’t progress at some insane rate. I’m only human.
8/22/24
A lot has changed since the last journal entry. So much has changed that I don’t believe I’d be able to go through it all, but I should be able to get through most of the key points and when I look upon this journal entry, I should be able to understand all that I was going through.
Since the last journal entry, I have quit my job, taken a flight to [redacted], and I’m now living in a house with three other people. Emotionally, I’m surprised I was quite capable of doing this, but I think it’s because of the benzo, that probably was able to diminish my ability to feel anxiety and thus allowed me to make it all the way here. The journey itself was kind of oddly “fine” because I didn’t experience any huge setbacks and was able to handle myself fine enough, and with the help of others, I was able to make it where I needed to go, although this most especially was a problem in both airports.
I packed my bag during the night and was pretty limited in what I would bring. I just brought some clothes, my laptop, my e-reader, and other similar things that I thought would be necessary, I don’t have a need to list out every necessary document I had to bring or the fact that I brought all my hard drives. (Although, now I have made it known that I do believe the mentioning of these things is at least a little necessary.) The point is, I brought what I believed I needed the most, and the other things that could be replaced, well, would be replaced.
Once all my things were together, I sat in my room for a while, I was just watching YouTube videos at this point, I was in a state where it was incredibly difficult to do anything more than the most basic of things, this was mostly because of anxiety, but I think poor sleep because of the aforementioned anxiety really reinforced the fact that I would have trouble doing just about anything. Eventually, after enough sitting around, it’s about time for [redacted] to show up so he can pick me up and bring me to the airport. I start getting anxiety because he doesn’t reply to any of my text messages and it really bothers me. I start to believe something is going to happen to impair me from being able to get to the airport. However, he makes it just fine, he makes it early actually, and I’m sending him dumb angsty and worried text messages because of the fear I’m experiencing. He eventually sends a text message back saying he’s there, he’s going to take a nap, and to hurry up, all of these pretty close together, so I hurry up, laptop is now in the bag, and then the e-reader too, the laptop charger, and then I don’t believe I threw anything in the bag last second beyond those items. I hold myself for a little bit, eventually get told to come on, and the big struggle is between me and opening the door, and eventually, yes, I’m able to open the door, if that isn’t obvious enough, and I quietly, make it downstairs, put my shoes on, and leave. Somehow, with all this happening, my mother is so totally occupied with whatever is happening on the computer that she does not hear a thing, or if she does, she doesn’t react fast enough in response to my actions, and I had already taken the Verizon sim card out, so if she wanted to text or call me, she would be unable to do so.
Once within the car with [redacted], things seem to be going fine. I begin feeling less anxious, but it’s still present, and he catches up on this, but he doesn’t really do anything to improve upon it. We didn’t talk all that much, or at least to the best of my memory, we didn’t. There were some remarks here and there, and he asked some important questions. Really, what he asked really just led to him finding out that I had not told my parents that I was leaving, no arguments, no anything, and this did worry him some, but it was done, and the only way to go back from this action would be a call or something, but I didn’t want to do that. Any idea of confrontation at that moment wouldn’t have been able to work for me. If I were able to handle confrontation, I wouldn’t have made it to such a point where I thought that, this weird way of running away, would actually be a good idea, because it wasn’t, at least in the sense that I should have said something. However, I didn’t, and at the time, that was great. I felt like I was actually able to get away without being held back from the words of other people. So, we talk a little, he doesn’t really crack jokes or anything. He goes to Dunkin’ Donuts for a coffee and a pastry, and then from there on out, I make a comment about every single Dunkin’ Donuts we see, and that goes just fine I suppose. He drives there, he smokes one cigarette, I think Marlboro. We make it there, two hours early or so, we would’ve been there a little earlier if he had not messed up once, but it didn’t end up being a big deal.
Once within the airport, I somehow don’t freak out, I walk around, look at signs, and despite all this, I’m still lost. I ask one woman, doing something, I don’t know what to call her position exactly, where to go, she asks for the Airline, and this case, it was Alaska, and she gives me straightforward directions as to where I should go. I listen, follow her directions, and it ends up being a bag-checking area. Now, I don’t have any bags that must be checked, I only have my carry-on bag. Despite this, I talk to the person checking the bags, they help me out a little, print me a new boarding pass, and then direct me where I needed to go next. I follow his directions, and go where I need to go next, with the boarding pass. I wait in line, show a man my driver’s license and the boarding pass, and I move onto the next layer of security. This doesn’t really cause me any trouble except for when I put only my bag and shoes within a bin, forgetting my wallet and phone, which I also should have put in there. So, I have to go back in line, put those items in a bin, then I can go through another scanner, and I get patted down because of the zippers on my pants, and then I collect my items again. From there, I’m in a new waiting room.
I stand, believing I would have to sit in a specific section, despite it not mattering. I mean, even the boarding pass didn’t quite come out correctly with which door we would be going through in order to enter the plane, all that actually mattered was the announcements over the speaker. I stand and look through the window for about an hour, because I wasn’t in a comfortable enough position to read or do anything. Eventually, I get a text message from [redacted] that, if I could, pay half of the lease amendment fee. So, I do so, taking my credit card out, doing whatever account-making bullshit, and pay for it entirely, when I was only supposed to pay half. I still stand there, sometimes getting a text message from [redacted], which really helped me feel better. Eventually, I find out that I was supposed to pay half, and that it will be somehow sorted out at a later time. My name gets called over to the desk, I go up to the desk, and apparently someone wants to change seats. I have no problem with this, and say something altruistic that leads to one woman asking for my details because she wanted to give me a coupon code, so I ended up with a $200 coupon code for my next flight, which was really nice. I didn’t expect to get anything as a result of changing my seat, and I was able to sit next to a window still, so I didn’t really care at all. Perhaps that is why I got one, because I wasn’t expecting one, or at least that is something that I would like to think when these types of things happen.
I go back to waiting, and eventually different groups are called, and finally, my group is called, and I get on the flight. It’s awkward, because I have to move past two people. I also had the intention to read for the entirety of the flight, but I’m totally incapable of doing this, so guess what? I don’t. I didn’t even give myself a chance, I left the e-reader in my bag, and I threw the bag up-top, so I wouldn’t be able to get it. I also didn’t want to play on my phone, as I felt like that would invalidate the flight. Instead, I spent the entire flight, which ended up being around five and a half hours total, staring out the window. I was still very nervous and experiencing a lot of anxiety, but it was still being dulled, so I was able to handle it fine enough. I had some thoughts that made me feel fine, I spent a lot of time thinking about clouds, and not thinking about the clouds. I didn’t retain most of the thoughts I had because the thoughts themselves didn’t really matter, they were normal, fleeting, thoughts. However, sometimes you need to sit and think for a while, or at least that’s what I had convinced myself of when I was staring out the window, not being occupied by anything. I think being occupied by things is fine, but I think that once you hold back on that occupation, you can get to a point where you learn to appreciate whatever occupied your mind before, much, much, more. Of course, the extent of that “much” is completely dependent on how long you go without the thing you want or are used to being your normal occupied thing.
Eventually, after sitting there for hours, staring out the window, and only checking my phone once, which gave me the time, and when I checked it, I had only about another hour and a half to go, and we eventually landed in the [redacted] airport. If it matters, I went from the [redacted] airport to the [redacted] airport in [redacted]. I was lost in this airport too, which isn’t really something that is unexpected. I go from one airport to the next, knowing very little in how to handle myself or what to do. Eventually, after staring absent-mindedly at some maps of the airport, where to go, and whatever else, some old guy says something that helps me out. He pretty much allowed me to ask what I needed, which was how to get, or where to get, to the station, which just allows you to get around the city. I follow him to the main terminal of the airport via another train, which is much shorter and smaller, but something I would have never expected to see at an airport, and go there to the main terminal. Then, from there, another sign enables me to go to the train, which is what I needed, so I walk there, text [redacted] a few times as to where I needed to go and what I needed to do, and I waited for the next train. Eventually I got on and waited. I had to text him after the train had reached a certain destination, and that was done just fine, and eventually I got off where I needed to, we met, and we walked home, although I was just following him.
I follow him, and he’s attempting to give me a quick tour despite me being unable to really understand any of the words coming out of his mouth. After that, we eventually make it the house, and I’m able to relax a little more. Having the bag off of my shoulders was a huge help. We looked through the bookshelf. (It isn’t even a fucking bookshelf, and it’s dirty, and I’m the one who will be cleaning it.) There are a couple good books in there, and I give [redacted] three to read. I hope he actually reads them; I’ll have to check up and make sure that he actually does. Honestly, the house isn’t in the most terrible of shape, but it could be better, but it’s pretty old and you have to make-do with that. Living in a house has its benefits though, I appreciate not living in an apartment complex, and so I’ll attempt to appreciate this living situation as much as I can. I didn’t realize what living with men could be like, and it seems they’re pretty dirty in comparison to what I’m used to, and even then, I didn’t like what I was used to outside of my room. So, I’ll be doing a lot of cleaning very soon. They don’t even have a vacuum, apparently [redacted] took the fucking vacuum, but it is what it is. I’ll end up really taking care of the basement, because that’s where my room is. It should be pretty nice in a few days, and it will be a huge upgrade from what it was before, but as can be imagined, it won’t be perfect, but I don’t think it has to be. I want my room to be very clean and smell very nice, and I will do that, because, why the hell not? That’s what I like, and that’s what I’ll get.
Beyond all the cleaning, I had to buy a lot of things. As I said before, I didn’t bring much with me, so I had to put together all the things I’d be needing, however, this just led to a hierarchy of “needs” and I could get away with not bringing a toothbrush or other things, and some I wouldn’t be able to bring, so I couldn’t anyway. All said and done, I spent I think just under $2,500 getting all the things I needed and wanted, so that meant I’m going to have a proper desk, chair, cleaning supplies, toiletries, and a bunch of other things that I felt like would make me a lot more comfortable. The college had refunded me via the credit card, so I just spent just about the amount that was to be refunded to me, so that was also nice. I’ll clean up the room really nice, my bed will be much more comfortable, and I think things will be a lot better than the first night, which wasn’t good at all. Eventually I need to go clothes shopping, and I think thrift stores will be a good help, but I don’t know the extent that I will go shopping for clothes, I know I don’t need much. I’d say after about a week or two, I should be in a comfortable state, and once that happens, I’ll start job searching. I’d like to imagine I could get a nicer job, especially a remote one, but I’m not counting on it. It’s not the end of the world either, because there are many local opportunities, I’m trying to keep it down to just walking though, about a twenty-minute radius is what I’m aiming for, and even the worst job will have to pay me just about $20 per hour, and doing that three times a week will pay for my rent and utilities, and even with taxes, I’ll have some left over for all the other bullshit I’ll need. I’ll be able to maintain that for a while, and hopefully I could get myself to get a better job, I’m thinking more tech certifications should be considered as they would help me get a tech job, which is something I think would be good as I search for meaning.
Today, [redacted] and I did go for a walk down the lake. The walk to the lake kind of sucked, but the lake itself was very nice. It was calming, and we were able to talk, and that also really helped me feel better. We talked for a bit, but he had a lesson so we couldn’t stay forever, and I even got a hug at the end, which made me feel even better. I hope this type of thing maintains, but I have no idea how busy he can get, or how occupied I can become. I would like to imagine things will continually be good. Having one connection is great, but I have to also make more. I have to do some research on groups or clubs I could join in order to find and talk with other people. That also will take some time, but I think forcing myself to do it will open up a lot more connections and make me feel a lot better as well. Of course, after some time in comfort, and hopefully some more connections, I can consider dating, but I know that will be hard on me, so I’m not going to beat myself up if it really does take some time, or more time than I expect right now.
One last thing before I wrap things up, I eventually did call my parents, I texted them first, but I made them aware of what has happened, where I am, and what I really am. Now, we’re across the nation from each other, and I’m very pleased with that arrangement. They’ll be fine without me, although I think I have hurt our relationship by doing things this way. However, they know to fuck off, at least in the sense that they can’t stop me from doing things I want to do, and even though they are people I dislike in some ways, I love them fundamentally. I just want to love, and now that I’m getting away from an environment of hate, I can embrace more of that love, although I admit it will take time.
8/24/24
I don’t know if I should label this as 8/23 or 8/24, but it is 1 AM, so maybe I’ll begin to write my journals at these times again. Yesterday was different because I had begun writing before the next day, really early in the morning. Today, some things did happen, but I didn’t go out or anything. I spent the entirety of my day cleaning, I cleaned up my room a lot, and it’s in much better shape, and I spent some time giving the downstairs a little bit of a clean, which I’d say improved it. I also would like to mention that I cleaned up the bathroom, which was another nice improvement. Beyond these, that’s just about all I did.
I received a lot of the stuff I ordered on Amazon today, not all of it, and of course I bought even more things, but enough to get me a lot more comfort. Especially the toiletries, which were the hugest deal for me, and I got a nice shower in and was finally able to brush my teeth, and these two things were huge deals to me in dealing with my comfort levels. I finally felt clean, and the room is a lot cleaner, and it smells nicer too. More things will be coming, and then I can continually improve my comfort levels. I think once I get out more, I’ll feel even more comfortable. My goal is to start really job searching a week from now, but we’ll see what happens. In the meantime, there are many things for me to do and experience.
Yes, I didn’t go out. It’s okay, or at least I think so. [Redacted] and [redacted] went out. We played some Jenga which was fun, first 3x3 rules and then 5x5, in which the latter was far more interesting. I was shown how to make an espresso, which will come in handy in the future, but right now it isn’t a huge deal, I’ve been on a complete detox. I haven’t eaten anything still, which upsets my body a little, but I’m not fretting over it. I haven’t even had coffee, I took one sip and that was it, just for a taste test. I think I’ll get back to eating tomorrow. I have to go out and buy things, but I also need to verify space in the kitchen, how much is mine, apparently some fridge space is to be allocated per person, and I don’t know the recycling/garbage ritual, so I have to ask about that.
I have many questions but few answers, unfortunately. I wish that I had a little more time with [redacted] to get all these things figured out a little sooner, but I understand that he had his visitor come a little earlier, so I’m not fretting too much over it. I think on Monday I’ll get to berate him with all the questions I have, get all those things sorted out, and then I can really start to begin to feel more comfortable. Until then, I’ll feel a little angsty. A few times today I didn’t feel great, but I think what really lifted my mood was getting on VRChat. I think that after some time, perhaps a few months, I might have made enough connections to go out and do things with people. I think being a part of a club of some sort will also be another benefit to me, but I have to get to that point in the first place.
8/25/24
Today has not been all that eventful. I got even more things. Improving my comfort even further, and I went out to eat, and then I got even more things, and finally I played some VRChat, which was nice too. I ate a small vegan pizza, which I thought was very good, but my perception was probably altered because I hadn’t eaten for so long, but nonetheless, I want to go back there to eat some more. Tomorrow, I think I will shoot for actual pizza, probably from Domino’s because it’s close enough for me to walk to and then walk back. Or, I’ve considered going to Subway, which is also around the same time for a walk, but I’ll do the deciding tomorrow. It was nice to finally eat, because I had gone so long without eating, and my body really needed something.
I’m thinking that I’m going to get a lot of my comfort back on Wednesday. I say that because that’s when I’m supposed to get a chair from Amazon, and so I think after all is said and done, that will be the final thing to get me comfortable in my room. Once I’m there, with my desk, monitor, keyboard, whatever, I should be able to get close to where I was before. I still have not purchased a guitar or a guitar stand, but I’ll get back on that soon.
I’ll also have all the things I need to sort out, especially in the kitchen relating to food, so I can eat like a normal person again, or at least something similar to one. I’ll be able to think about job hunting, and a lot of worrying will be pushed aside for some time. Once I have an income in, I know I’ll feel even better and more capable to do things.
Mom continually spams texts to me throughout the day and even into the night. She really needs to stop with it. She has to move on from me, and I know it will be tough, however, the texts of “please come home” are especially frustrating. She should know it’s over, but she is unwilling to accept reality. I can sort of understand that, because I had basically run away, but it’s over now, and she needs to cope.
I want to spend the rest of my night reading; I might write a little but I find it unlikely. I’m going to read Kill Six Billion Demons, and then I’ll move onto my Bowling Alone book. I think yesterday and the day before, my retention of information was totally down the gutter, I think that had to do with my lack of food intake, my general discomfort, and I’m absolutely not getting in the vitamins I need to. Even when I would eat, I know I wasn’t getting the vitamins I needed, so now I will be.
8/26/24
Today was more of a relaxed and normal day. I got more boxes, opened them, and then slowly increased my comfort levels. I had to give some delivery driver a code in order to receive a package, and then I never received any notification of their presence, so I never got the package, which sucks. Maybe I’ll get it tomorrow. I should be getting my desk tomorrow too, or maybe the day after, which will be nice.
I went out twice. I went out to the library to get a library card, and that was a quick and easy process. I also went out to get a pizza from Domino’s, which was a little more of an intensive walk, but I made it there just fine. Other than those, I spent most of my time sitting in my room. I did sit outside expecting my package to arrive when Amazon, on their site, said I was the next stop, when I definitely wasn’t. The weather was pretty nice. I wrote a little bit, and then I ate food, all I ate was that pizza, and finally I played some VRChat at the end of the night, and here we are. I was introduced to more interesting information by Aeuic, so I’ll be checking out the open-source VR platform he mentioned along with the VRC theatre. I’m going to read in bed now.
8/27/24
A night without VRChat. I went out, got some coffee, then I went to goodwill and bought some clothes, and I’ll probably just buy more online. I can expect what I want to get out of tomorrow, I’ll probably go to the grocery store and finally get myself established with groceries, and most importantly, have my coffee in the morning. [Redacted] cleared out some of the fridge of me, so I have some space in there, which I am very grateful for. The rack of dry groceries is still something that needs to be worked out, so that will be worked out hopefully tomorrow as well.
I went out with [redacted] to eat Japanese food, and it was very good, I enjoyed it a lot, and to be fair, I hadn’t eaten anything else, so that was probably a contributing factor. Talking while walking there, when we ate, and when we walked back, was also very nice. I got a better feel for where I am in reference to other things today, which was also nice, and as I continue walking around, that will only improve.
I received my desk and chair today, which are very big upgrades, but I didn’t receive that other package that’s pretty important, so I complained to the Indian online support, and got $15 dollars back to my credit card, which is nice. Once I get that, and I should without issue tomorrow, then I can get everything set up in here in a way that will work for me, and I can get back to working on things, because right now, it hasn’t been so great. Like, sure, today I did write, and I finally played a little guitar, but not nearly as much as I should, and I haven’t drawn anything for a while, which is not great. However, these things should be ironed out soon, and I’ll be back to being a machine somewhat. I’ll have a couple more things I will want to buy for comfort, and once those are done, I’ll be done with the buying, and I’ll try to get some work, and then I’ll just maintain that until further changes.
8/28/24
I’m actually a little late with this journal entry, but I thought I’d try to write what happened anyway. The day is still correct, but I’ve slept, so it’s basically like another day has begun. Yesterday was okay, the only event that took place when I went outside was going to the grocery store. Never had gone to Trader Joe’s before, but now I have, and it was pretty underwhelming, I probably will like the other, more normal, grocery store, but honestly, I’m not fretting over groceries right this second.
I did more cleaning, I’ve had so much plastic and cardboard buildup it has been absolute insanity. I got the other really important Amazon package, so now I have a usable setup which is nice. It’s far more comfortable and actually usable than what I was doing before. I bought speakers too, so that’s another thing to take note of. I should be getting those on the 30th. I also bought some more clothes online, not very much, but I don’t know when those will be getting here, I think I’ll go check out the local places for clothes too, I feel like what I saw on Kohl’s for the most part, was not very good.
Beyond these things, I started getting into more of my usual things, so I was able to wrap up a rough draft of my document on everything having a valid argument, and now it’s a state to be cleaned up and that’s nice to have. I’m unsure as to what I want to write next, I think I’m leaning towards something on judgement, because that’s what I’m in the midst of escaping, or at least, a lot of that judgement. Back to drawing, writing, guitar, and learning things. Should begin to feel a lot better.
Talked to [redacted] on the couch for a bit, which was nice, and then we went off and did our own things for some time. Finally got my clothes washed, so that was nice to have, another thing I don’t want to worry about anymore, I think Tuesday will be the consistent day in which I wash my clothes.
After some amount of listening to YouTube videos and working on movement with my rudimentary shapes, [redacted] and I watched some VK live, Versailles in specific, and that was really nice. We finished off some wine, and they played really well and I thought it was really enjoyable. After that, I went off to bed, and woke up to a lot of loud noise, but was finally able to fall back to sleep after. Many odd dreams too, dreams of running away and the results of running away, obviously because of what I’ve done and I’m in the midst of experiencing.
I don’t know my mission for today. I will try to figure it out as time goes on, I won’t hold onto it forever.
8/30/24
The day prior was pretty rough, I don’t know why, but today was actually alright. For whatever reason, I felt pretty depressed yesterday, I was getting used to my environment, I went out to the grocery store, ate some food, and things were just fine I thought, but I wasn’t allowed to feel happiness or anything good, I guess there was some sort of blockage and I’m not quite sure why that was, but it’s over, and today was quite okay.
I went out for a walk with [redacted] around the lake, we walked around that and then had some Chinese food which was very good, but before the walk, we had some coffee, and we talked quite a bit, which was also nice. Beyond those events, I had played guitar and finished up the Blender course, although I really just watched the rest of the content because I wasn’t looking for the skills being shown, like animation, but I wanted to watch it anyway just so I had at least a little more background information on what would be offered and it wouldn’t come at a total surprise to me if I did want to learn how to animate using the program.
I haven’t written anything today, with the exception of this journal entry, and maybe I’ll try to write a little bit before bed, but I’m not really sure. Some things have gone to normal, I started taking the presses again, however I stuck with a quarter of a pill, even more conservative than what I was doing before, which was half, and this helps a little bit, but not as much as half, but I’m going to see how long I can keep it up like this before switching to a half, and when that doesn’t work as well, I’ll stop in order to heal up again and just rinse and repeat the cycle.
[Redacted] sent me a picture of a letter written to her father, and supposedly messages sent to him on Facebook about my disappearance, but I think things have been cleared up. Pretty sure my uncle wrote the letter and sent it out because of the grammatical mistakes from within the letter. That’s pretty much that, I now will begin to omit information from our text messages just in case, because apparently my friends and their father’s will be nagged because of my actions, which is really unfortunate. I don’t even know why my uncle feels like he can become part of my life or even become involved with me at all, but I can’t really control his actions, just like he or anyone else cannot control mine.
I was introduced into meetup.com which is all about meeting people, and I signed up for a writing event a few days from now, and there’s also a tech event which I might go to. The whole idea is for me to get involved with other people and hopefully create some connections with people whom share a mutual interest, because right now, I really don’t have any connections.
I find that I’m actually getting closer to some of my goals, like the YouTube one, because I’ve written quite a bit at this point, and now that I’ve finished that Blender course, I can move onto another one, I think I’m going to go into the Premiere one, so I can learn how to edit some video, and then I’ll go into the graphic design one, and in the meantime, I’ll be writing, drawing, and doing everything else. Once I get through both of those, I should also have some clothing for my avatar, my setup should be even more comfortable, and things should be coming together nicely, and hopefully in about a month from now, I’ll be employed and working on all of these things.
I don’t know if I want to commission someone or try to create the clothing myself. Like, sure, making it myself would be great, but I don’t know what kind of time-sink I could expect for that type of learning curve. If I didn’t care about how much time it would take, I don’t see the problem in it, it’s just learning, and learning something that actually makes sense to me, so it would be silly not to. I guess this would be prime-time for that, considering I don’t have to work, but once again, I want to do all the other things as well. I think I need to get into a mindset of accepting that things I care about will take time to create, and I have to be okay with this, and once I am, things will actually begin to progress, instead of stalling over the fact that it takes time.
Haven’t been reading as much, but that’s because I’ve actually been doing things more often, and I think I’ll keep the balance like this, maybe trying to make more time for reading on some days. I will be getting some speakers tomorrow, or after I wake up, whatever, and that will be nice, another layer added to the comfortability of this setup. I don’t enjoy wearing headphones all the time. That’s all I have to say for now.
9/2/2024
I say that these are peak journaling hours, and yet I don’t write anything or really go out and do anything. Pretty boring. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, that was the peak of my day, bought a bunch of ramen which I’ve been eating. Oh yeah, I also bought a lot of McDonalds and ate a lot of food and felt really fat, and I also got high. Was definitely an experience. The day before that I guess I just stayed home and didn’t really do much? Today, I still didn’t do much. I kind of went through my usual schedule of reading, guitar, that type of thing, and the texts from my mother became too much and I felt like I needed to take a walk. So, I did, I went down to the lake, walked a little, enjoyed the water, and then felt the need to begin writing on judgement. So, I walked back home and began writing. I’ve been making some good progress, but I’ll probably need two or more days to finish it up. I played some VRChat today too, which was okay, at first it was in VR, and I thought I’d only stick around for an hour, but I crashed and then got on desktop, and it ended up eating up way more time than I wanted it to, I tried to cope by drawing, but it only helped so much, and my time was inevitably eaten up.
I really need to get on doing things and focusing. I took half a pill today to see if it would help, and it did, but I’m still not there completely. I don’t know what it will take to get my full focus on working and getting some things done, but I’ll be trying to achieve that. I don’t have forever, and I still need to consider other things, like clothing, driver’s license, and a new place to be employed at. I don’t need to heavily stress over these things, but they are of a higher importance than the work I’m doing online, or the things I care about, because I can’t do the things I care about if I don’t have the money to allow me to continue doing them. I don’t think I can do much on Monday because of Labor Day, so I’ll probably try to do stuff that I could do in front of a computer that day, and try to get as much done as possible, but without stressing myself out over the fact that I need to do this or that. Really, I might just focus on one particular thing and then keep working from one singular thing to next, or that’s what I wish I could do, because some things need constant maintaining or else they depreciate.
9/6/24
The longer I go out without journaling, the more difficult it will become to write more often. That’s why I’m here to try and say something. It’s not like events haven’t happened, but I suppose I thought I’d feel dirty writing about them, but I don’t know why, it’s not like anyone is reading my journals besides myself, but I guess when you come from a life without privacy, but a whole lot of judgement, a system like constantly being watched does things to you to make you think in irrational ways.
I had a variety of foods since the last journal entry. I had dumplings, sushi, and today I had Indian food, of which I can’t remember the specifics. I also had more pizza, and I had fast food, I had never tried Jack in the Box, but now I have, and I ate a lot of it that night. I wasn’t feeling great, and I guess eating became a cope. I want to avoid that, otherwise I most definitely will get pretty fat. Plenty of food trying. Yesterday I tried to have an okay day, but it just didn’t really happen, hence the fast food. I wanted to go out to the lake and do gesture drawings, but I just wasn’t ready for that, so it became kind of frustrating, and then I forgot to take a turn or something on the way back and then made my trip longer than it had to be. That same day I was going to a close Japanese import store, and despite saying it was open online, it was actually all locked up and closed, which was very unfortunate.
One of these days I did a lot of cleaning in the kitchen, I basically fixed the stovetop to a state of usability, and did some vacuuming in order to clean things up a bit more. I wrote a bit on judgement, and I’d say I left it in a good enough state to be fixed up and adjusted at a later time. For two days or so I didn’t write anything, but today I started writing on getting to the bottom of things, whatever that thing might be, and I’ve made some progress, but nothing too crazy.
I had [redacted] try VR, and he had fun, so that was fun, and after that I got a little lesson with guitar things I should be doing, or could be doing, and basically, I have to fix my picking hand, so that feels pretty bad, like I’m stepping back a lot, but I know it is important and necessary.
I applied for a library job, whether I get that job or not, I don’t know, but I’m hoping I do, it would be nice, plus it pays absurdly high, $25 per hour to work at a library? Yes, please!
Most things are sorted out, I still feel like I want more options with my clothes. I think tomorrow I’ll finally look for some kimonos, but there’s some uncertainty there still. Actually, the day after I’ll look for kimonos, but tomorrow, or when I wake up I mean, I’ll look for clothes at places that aren’t Goodwill, because maybe I’ll have some luck with something worthwhile. Another thing, I bought a GameCube controller to play melee with Rome, maybe that will be nice, I don’t know, and I bought Graveyard’s album Graveyard on vinyl, most definitely an impulsive purchase, but I think it’s fine. I really want to calm down on the spending at this point, I can get away with it, but I really want to work before keeping it up, really, I shouldn’t need to spend much more once I have clothes.
10/5/24
Well, it’s almost been a month since my last journal entry. I didn’t realize I would go this long without making an entry, but there were some important things I wanted to write down somewhere, and I thought my journal entry document would be the best place, because some ideas have not been fully executed or tested, and if my systems truly do change, I’d like to be able to go back to where I was before if I learn that it’s best to use the old systems.
I’ve already had my fair share of ups and downs despite only being here for a month. I’ve basically situated myself with everything that would provide me some level of comfort. My room is in a fine state, I’ve been tinkering with computers, I have a proper desktop again, I got sent my bass, I’ve been playing both bass and guitar regularly again, I’ve been working towards learning software finally, although some things have been cut down. I haven’t been reading as much, at least for the past two weeks or so. I know why this is, I’ve been doing things that haven’t been requiring more internalization of information, so I haven’t felt the need. I also have not been reading stories that capture me like some other novels do, so I feel less of a connection or necessity to learn what’s going to come further. I have read bits and pieces of Kill Six Billion Demons, but that has stopped quite a bit too.
There have been things I wanted to do but have chosen not to do out of fear. Having one person has been great in order to go to places and have a reason to go those places, however, I’ve not really made any further connections than that. Why this is? Out of fear. I tried convincing myself I didn’t really need further connections, that having one connection was enough and I could be content with that, however in reality, that’s just not the case. I can’t stick around with one connection and be okay, I need more options for people. I was aware of this before I came here, and the idea of “lonely” has floated in my head for years now, and one of the major reasons that I’m here is to battle that loneliness, however I haven’t been fighting the battle, I’ve been sitting in my room like I normally would, despite that not being a necessity, for now I’m in a different environment that doesn’t call for the same system of thinking.
I had an especially awful day, three days ago I believe, and I really wanted to kill myself again, I felt like I was back to normal, in the worst possible way. I was in a state of dysfunction, and I tried going for a walk, I tried figuring out why I was feeling this way, and I still felt awful even after all of that. I came home, put together a computer, ate some food, tinkered for a bit, then slept, and woke up still feeling horrible. After waking up I went through basically all my usual cycles, and at night I talked with [redacted] and we both came to the conclusion that I need to act, simply. I find myself asking questions, always trying to get deeper, however, this does not come in handy when I need to do something or I want to do something and I’m inhibited by something like fear, and that fear is irrational.
I had previously spoken of wanting to talk to people at the lake who were reading alone, starting a conversation with them, because I thought it was purely because I’m good at talking with people who are alone. This is sort of true, but it goes deeper. There is an extra layer of reinforcement, and that comes from some online experiences and one specific in real life experience.
The online experiences are mostly in VRChat, where I would initiate a conversation with someone and then go from there. If they were receptive to the initiation, we could keep talking and getting deeper into a conversation, if not, I was rejected and I moved onto the next person. However, because of this, I have been able to make many good connections, one specific one that comes to mind immediately would be Riku. For if I did not interact with him, he wouldn’t have ever met Neromishi, and they would have never dated or as they are now, living together. I don’t see why this philosophy, of speaking to people, just going up to them and talking with them, would be so difficult to execute in real life. It’s quite literally the same as VR, just we’re actually flesh and bone instead of pixels, but one could argue that gives me a sense of security. Whatever the case, I need to teach myself that it’s going to be safe anyway.
The in real life experience is not one of me starting a conversation with my own initiation, but of [redacted], for she initiated with me, and we didn’t know each other or have any connections between each other. She just started speaking to me, and then we became friends, because I was receptive to her initiation. If this is the case, then when I initiate with someone, and if I try like I have in VR, then the results could end up okay once and a while? I don’t see why that wouldn’t be the case.
There are a variety of factors influencing whether or not it would work, but the point is, after enough interacting and trying, then at some point it should go okay, and once I have a few connections, I can keep growing within their own friend groups.
I wasn’t sure for what reason the fear was present, but now I think I do. For the entirety of my life, my parents have been trying to teach me that basically everyone is someone to fear, for they are someone out to harm me. That only there are more people harming in the world, and that I can’t trust anyone but myself… and them, obviously. So, having this drilled in my mind for 19 years, it’s hard to act like it wouldn’t have any impact on me. Yet, I’m aware of it now, and so I can start breaking that idea, to prove it wrong. There might be more factors at play, but I think this is a significant one.
Rejection plays a part, no one wants to be rejected, but being rejected has not stopped me from talking to randoms in VRChat for hours, which has caused me to make connections, albeit online ones. Rejection is a part of reality, and I just have to be okay with being rejected sometimes.
10/12/24
(There is a whole video/writing dedicated to this entry.)
11/10/24
Hey, it’s been a while, again. Journal entries are sparse these days, and I don’t find it to be an issue. I’ve been focusing on many of the same things lately but I guess there are a few things worth mentioning since my last entry. Like how I’ve experienced two parties now, they were okay, talking with people was my goal with both, and it turned out fine. I worked a job for eight days, total, during October, and that was, fine, although I noticed a change in my behavior during that time period. Basically, I became numb, and depressed to an extent. I was using all my energy to distance myself from myself because I didn’t care about what I was doing, it was the same repetitive work, and I didn’t care, I just wanted to get paid. So, I did that, and things at home didn’t progress very much while that was happening, not only because I was walking back and forth, which sucked up a lot of time, but also it wore me down physically, and the job mentally wore me down, because I didn’t want to think about the work I was doing. It ended and I got back into the groove fairly quickly.
I’ve been reading, writing, guitaring, learning Japanese, and creating videos. That’s it, honestly. I think that’s okay too, I can’t make more time for more things, I’d have to sacrifice other things, cut their time blocks down, but I’m unwilling to do so. I’ll talk a little bit about all of these things in the order I listed.
I’ve been reading a pile of books I brought from the “library” upstairs, and I’ve gone through them fairly quickly. I still need to read two more, and then I think I’m going to move on from the physical books I grabbed and then onto my huge list, which never stops growing, on my e-reader. From there, I’ll just keep on reading until I read as much as I can until I’m too sick of it.
I’ve been writing bits and pieces of many things, and then proofreading whatever I’m going to upload, but there has been one thing in specific that has been my main goal to finish, and I’m just about there, writing-wise. It’s a linear, or mostly linear, description and story-telling of the experiences that got me to where I am today. I think it’s been a great release to me emotionally, although it has hurt a lot, but I think once I have it in a good enough state, I’ll read it and put it online. I think that would be okay, and I think it might actually help people, and it would help me, being content with the fact all these experiences are mine, and that this is who I am, and they were significant contributing factors.
Guitar has been here and there, I’ve been learning Bach on bass, and that’s been okay, not my main focus, but now I’ve been fixing my physical abilities, and mentally it hurts. Normally physical stuff isn’t so hard, but now it is, and I’ve been working through fixing both my picking and my fretting hand, but I’m getting closer, and I imagine in a few days, or at most a week, if I keep things up, I’ll be okay again. It’s just mentally frustrating to not be able to do the thing you were able to previously, but, now, things make more sense, sound better, and my fingers are physically doing better.
I’ve been going through two workbooks, both focusing on just Hiragana and Katakana, and it’s going well. I’m going to finish the next workbook tomorrow, or today, if you want to consider it that, and then I’m moving onto another textbook I have to work on, which should set me up for some basics. Things are going okay, but I’ve definitely felt some limitations to my memory, and using force has been the best way to get things to stick. I’m not happy with how much time it can take, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
The video creation has been good. The pact ends the 11th, but 30 days before that, whatever day that was, I had to upload at least three videos, I’ve now exceeded that by one video, and on Monday, the 11th, I will exceed it by two. One received more views than other, because of the title, and I’ll keep that in mind when continuing to upload more videos. It was nice to receive comments and feedback based on what I was posting, and I hope to continue creating things that people would actually care to listen to or watch. Everything about the videos require work, the visuals, the audio, the thumbnails, but obviously, most importantly, the writing. The writing though, I know exactly what to work on. I need to be more structured with the information I give, and I need to keep in mind the density of information I’m going to give. I’m working on both of these, and I think I’ll continue to do so.
2/3/25
You try so hard despite the awareness that your actions are futile.