To preface this, I would like to say that this is quite old. At this point in development, I was concerned with very silly things, like what operating system to use, however, I find this worth sharing because, at this time, to write anything over a thousand words would be considered of a large scale. Just keep in mind the time frame, of May 3, 2023, versus the present. You surely will find difference in how I wrote then and how I write now. Additionally, I have tried to clean up the writing to make it more presentable, but the majority of its imperfections have not been removed. I merely have focused on making it comprehensible to a reader or listener. I don’t intend to share much of my old writing; however, I find this significant because it talks about cycles, and that’s something I’ve already talked of before, and I find it interesting to share. This, at the very least, will give some introspective qualities in how I perceived myself in the past, and how I was beginning to notice patterns in my actions, so then I could stop them. I hope that maybe you can use this to enable yourself to stop your patterns, as in, the one’s you want to stop, or believe are harming you. I hope you enjoy.
The cycle I’m experiencing right now is something that has happened many times in the past and the excuse is likely different each time. The cycle is quite literally just switching between Windows and Linux over and over again, I have a different reason each time I do it. In the past I would use the excuse of “privacy” which was true, I wanted more privacy, but then something would come up to make me switch back and I would. I would go back and forth, over and over again, never in a position to actually be steady with my emotions and feelings. Before going into the nuances, I’d like to make note of exactly what is happening right now, the moment I’m writing this. It is taking an extremely large amount of energy to write this, I’ve been thinking about writing over and over, and this was another reason I switched. I thought perhaps if I switched operating systems, that I would somehow be in a better position to create things. With Windows, my belief was that I had too many options to slack off and that would take away from my ability to go ahead and actually do things like write, draw, video edit, or whatever, even though that makes no sense! I would have more options in software, and software I’m more comfortable with, so switching to something like Linux would only take away from my ability to do things! I’m extremely tired and confused of my own actions, I have no idea why I’ve done this besides the belief that I can cut my belongings down further.
This is true, I have been cutting down my belongings. I’ve been selling as much as I can because if I don’t use something, I have no reason to keep it. Currently in my room I have a box sitting with a Guitar Hero guitar in it waiting to finish being sold in an auction. It should be done in two days or so. I also have another envelope package which has an ethernet card and wi-fi card in it. I don’t have a use for either of these as my motherboard has both already which work fine. I bought the ethernet card ironically for Linux on my secondary machine which I barely used, proof of the wasting of money and the buying of new products. This is another cycle I experience; however, I’ve become better with my restraint when it comes to this specific cycle. The constant cycle of me buying things over and over for something temporary that I would move on from within a couple minutes or hours, but because I had the money and the thought to go ahead and buy the product, I would, wasting money in the process. Without a job, I’ve had to experience more restraint in this respect, but it still would occur time and time again. For example, I had no reason to go ahead and buy some more silicone, yet I did, and I don’t really regret it this time. The idea with buying products is that if I use it on a daily basis or so, it isn’t really a waste. Time will tell if this philosophy will hold up, and I doubt it will.
I think in this case, switching to Linux again, specifically Arch, meant that I would be forced into a position where I would have to create things rather than slack off on a consistent basis. I really thought it would somehow make a difference from using Windows, by cutting off more options I would be actually creating and doing things, even though that really doesn’t make any sense. I don’t understand why the itch is there either, I’ve already written 2,000 words on why I don’t think Linux is ready for use on desktops. Yet, I contradict this, by going ahead and installing it again because I had an itch so strong that I couldn’t overpower it alone. Not that I would expect anyone else to help me in such a situation, but rather, I would think that I would be able to power through it like I had been for the past month or so. I don’t even understand why it’s there in the first place, I don’t really care about Linux, operating systems in general, privacy, or anything in this goddamn world.
One could argue that this is the result I’ve been wanting, the hardest part is starting and now that energy from anxiety or whatever has finally erupted in the creation of this document and all the words I’m writing, because the majority of these paragraphs will have been written within the same hour, as I struggle to export my feelings into a bunch of meaningless words because I thought that was the best way to spend my time instead of playing a video game or talking with friends in a social VR game. Somehow, I thought that cutting myself away from the ability to play with my friends in VR was the smartest decision I could make. Not that the specific thought is terrible, because there are downsides to sticking with specific software and hardware usage, as is with many cases, you are being disrespected as a consumer.
Something I say often is, “I don’t care about anything!” This just isn’t true, I know I care about things, otherwise I wouldn’t be in this position right now writing about things, trying to explain my feelings. I try to enjoy things like VRChat but those negative feelings associated with; Easy Fucking Anti-Cheat, the disrespectful developers, and of course using a Facebook machine on my face, make me confused as to what my true feelings are. I say I don’t care about privacy, but if that were the case, I wouldn’t be in the position of switching to Linux and pretending like the thought of privacy was just “an added benefit” even though that definitely is one of my goals from within my mind that I somehow don’t have any control over. I know that this is the time to enjoy any type of VR experience because this is the time before it will all be ruined by massive corporations that would love to fuck the consumer so hard that they bleed out of their poor destroyed hole.
I hate being that consumer, I want to be in control of what I use, what I think, what I do, but we all know that’s just not going to happen. When I still use products like Google ones, still using YouTube, my brain is inevitably going to melt and I will have chosen that path, instead of carving myself a new one. Although I am aware of this, I don’t change. Why not? Why don’t I change? What would I do in the time that I don’t use YouTube? I don’t have energy, I don’t have motivation, I don’t have will, goals, or any type of fucking ambition. I’m just strolling around until my inevitable death where I’m finally freed from this Hell that we like to call Earth, this blue marble which we like to believe we are the most relevant in, relative to the whole fucking universe.
I struggle to comprehend my actions after I’ve already acted upon them, which is why I’m writing this, so that I could possibly understand my actions a few hours after them, but I still cannot. It’s like a purely chemical reaction that my frontal cortex just did not participate in the planning of. It’s like I didn’t have a chance to consider it, it was out of my hands from the beginning, and the most I could do was attempt to restrain the feelings and force myself into the awareness that this will change nothing, I will not improve, and I won’t be in a better position or a position that I believe that I want to be in. Rather, I’m here, wishing I hadn’t done anything, but I did anyway. So much time and energy absolutely wasted. It could’ve happened at 11 PM yesterday, but it didn’t thankfully, in which I would have lost a few paragraphs that I wrote on something else. Of course, I didn’t back up my pictures again but thankfully I hadn’t touched anything like VRC in such an extended period of time nothing was actually lost because I already obsessively back up most of my information, and I use “obsessively” loosely because it literally happens seldom.
I am aware it would be foolish to run back with my tail between legs to Windows because it would undermine all the feelings, energy, and time I’ve put into switching operating systems again like a fool, aware of what would happen, and doing it anyways. The urge to minimize is stronger than any other. I don’t understand why the feelings to minimize are this strong, I don’t know why I want it so bad. One could say it is because I have the urge to move out, to leave, to escape this Hell of my parents and such, but many downsides will come with that too. If I lack the ambition, goals, or will to do anything, how the Hell will I achieve any extra schooling that would put me in a position to make enough money to live comfortably and not hate my life again? I know I will end up working a dead-end job and living alone because I also cannot find others that I can tolerate enough to live with. Everyone I speak with online is either schizophrenic or too normal for my antics, no in-between, so I’m left to suffer no matter what.
If you’re curious of what else I’ve bought recently, I also bought a fucking Amazon Paperwhite because I thought that might help my eyes while reading and could help me read some more. I think this is fair, because those things are true, but why must I have avoided of doing any background research or even considering the size of the product I would buy? I was aware that I should buy used, because Amazon doesn’t deserve my money, and I am aware I would never connect it to the internet, but I also don’t understand why I would imagine in my mind the size of the product, even after looking up measurements of the device for some possible vinyl designs. It’s like I’ve lost all ability to think, which is something I’ve written about in the past, and that is likely obvious in all that I’ve written in this document because of my poor word choice and lack of proper vocabulary, which is another thing I’ve been aware of for an extended period of time but have chosen instead to go without improving it because I’m somehow lazy. Or perhaps it is beyond laziness, depression that I have no control over.
Sometimes I do think I have bipolar disorder and maybe that could explain actions and lapses of memory over certain periods of time, but I also don’t think I’ve experienced any manic episodes or hypomania. I feel like I’m in a constant state of depression unable to do anything at any point in time, which makes me think I could have something that I cannot even remember the name of because my memory has gone so far down the drain that I cannot remember the sequence of three words put together. I also consume products which destroy my memory, and despite being aware of this, I still consume products like sucralose which I’ve noticed negatively impacts my memory, but in the bouts of extreme depression, I’m not thinking of my future self or feelings, so, I don’t really see how I would make myself care about the future when in a position like that.
The point is, I could have underlying problems that I will never see a doctor about because I don’t want to have to deal with my parents when speaking to a doctor. I cannot talk to others about these problems because they lack the understanding of nuances behind these actions because they’ve either had not to experience them or they don’t give any further thought on what I’m saying, which would just make me isolate further because why bother talking to others if they don’t understand a single fucking word you say? I’ve taken it upon myself to start following this line of thinking, talking to others minimally, and I can’t say much has changed. I don’t feel any lonelier than before, because I wouldn’t have been able to communicate with these human beings anyway, because they never have understood a word I’ve said, even when attempting to elaborate further. Even sometimes I cannot understand these things myself, and to think another human being would be able to understand them if I couldn’t, would be extraordinarily stupid and I should stop trying to make attempts of mutual comprehension of my thoughts.
Which also wraps back around like a circle to the problem of this constant cycle of switching between the fucking OSs like it would make an actual difference to my actions even though I am aware it never will and that to think it would be is another ignorant, stupid, and irrational series of thoughts that I still can’t fix because I have no control over them, no matter how hard I try. I just need to see a doctor, right? Yeah, thanks so much for the help, you really helped me out there. Thanks so much, you are so helpful. I love all my friends and family, it sure would be a shame if I just wiped out the programs I use to communicate with them in my life. Then what would happen? Absolutely nothing! What would I lose? Nothing! Nothing would actually fucking change. I could wipe Steam from my life and absolutely nothing would change. I hate video games as it is and at most, I would just lie to myself and download it again because I could never give up Team Fortress 2! As if that game matters, as if it makes an impact on my life, as if any of these video games have any form of meaningful impact on my decision making or thoughts.
I would be lying if I were to say I didn’t think about Team Fortress 2 when I initially considered the thought of switching operating systems for seemingly no reason. Ironically, I would normally and go ahead and have finished the cycle already, switching back to Windows, however I’ve not done that yet, which is something I consider pretty surprising. How could I have not finished the cycle yet? Well, I’d cough that up to at least a couple of variables. By choosing to do things in the morning, I set myself up to have my father come home and not want me to use any significant amount of bandwidth to avoid having an impact on his race game, thankfully I somehow was able to set up a system before then. Initially dipping my toes into MX Linux, I quickly realized it would be a piece of shit and decided to move onto Arch Linux, where I found that things were as fine as ever, especially having a memory issue with KDE Plasma after a single reboot. It was almost like I was home except my home was made out of sticks and leaves and there was a tornado outside.
Another variable that came into play was that I was forced into a position of keeping Linux running because having the issue with KDE Plasma would have normally made me switch off back to Windows, but as my father was awake, I could just reinstall my OS like that at the snap of a finger because after installing Windows, it would have a year’s worth of updates to go through and it would be sure to rape me with plenty of telemetry that I would pretend like I have the ability to turn off and then feel safe. After that, I would go ahead hopping from website to website to install software I would use once a year and whatever, and grabbing a “Ninite” which makes things ever so slightly easier than going to a few extra sites. I would have gone about my day then, after setting up my system, although if my dad were asleep, I’m sure by the time I finished installing Windows, he would have awoken, leaving my system unfinished and unable to make changes because he wouldn’t be sleeping beyond that point, as he found it to be his duty to do nothing but race for the next 36 hours straight.
Even then, after the weekend, on the disgusting Monday, I would force myself through another horrid day I would hate and instead of making it enjoyable by forcing myself to do things I believe that were enjoyable to a past self, I would make it home and do my usual rituals and shortly thereafter working on the Windows install, making it as it was on the prior Monday as if nothing had changed, and I would pretend like the whole ordeal had not occurred and that nothing was different. Of course, I would repeat this cycle over and over until I would reach my most recent breaking point where I would not change until a month of struggling with the overpowering thoughts that I must change no matter what because it would somehow bring change into my life that didn’t exist previously which just doesn’t make any sense in the first place because all I’m fucking doing is changing operating systems and that just doesn’t fix everything in one’s life!
Although I am aware of the cycle, and I’ve written about the cycle, this isn’t the only cycle in my life that I love to continue on and on, even though I’m aware of the result of the cycle, of course once and a while I’m not because I have no control over the thoughts or feelings I’m experiencing in that moment, as if I’m a different human being, but I’m thinking of forcing myself to stick like this. Yes, I’ve just written I’m aware changing operating systems makes no difference in what one does, but imagine if, in this specific case, I just don’t finish the cycle. What then? What happens then? What happens when I give into the ideas to simplify and give everything up? Will that help me or make me go insane without the ability to retrieve back what I had previously? I have no idea, and there are huge consequences if I cannot go back to who I was previously. I would have lost friends, feelings, and emotions that I would never be able to experience again. I talk as if changing such simple things has dramatic consequences and this is true, because they do, because I am a fucking robot and not a human being, if I were a human being those qualities have been lost, besides the physical ones, because no human being should ever be acting like this, and rather, should be much more calm and collected when in such a situation where there is nothing to be lost besides time. Although time is a huge deal because all human beings have a finite amount of time to live, and we’re all going to die, and we’re all aware of this, but not all of us are at peace with that fact.
In my time of my being alive, I’ve chosen to make this the thing I spend my time on. I’m a human being and I’m going to die and I think that changing between operating systems because of little “ant things” is really the best I can do. Instead of just creating on one operating system, I must switch to another because that will make such a huge difference! If you haven’t noticed, because I have only noticed twice now, I feel as if there are two people speaking. One siding for Linux, and the other siding for Windows. I don’t understand it, I don’t understand why I care so much, I don’t know who put these thoughts in my head. It’s like I don’t have control over them and someone else is doing it to me. It doesn’t make a difference, it should make a difference, and then I think about this over and over and then a silly thought like “I don’t want to be owned!” comes up and here we are again back at step one ready to refresh the same cycle of thought I cannot go without experiencing on a daily basis.
You would think at this point I would be able to stop and relax, I would be able to decide what I really want, but even when I’ve had others decide for me on both sides, I still wanted to switch to the other side. Why can’t I experience both sides at once? That’s the only way I will feel complete unfortunately. It seems that I have no choice but to kill one part of me off and that’s just ridiculous because I should be able to live as a whole, however it seems by my actions, chemicals, and people around me, that is just not an option, no matter how hard I try.
As of writing this, I do have the option to switch back and complete the cycle, however, I’m fighting back the urge to complete it. Why is this the case? Why aren’t I just giving in like usual? I’m aware of what will happen either way. I already wrote what would happen if I went back to the other option, but I didn’t write about what would happen if I continued this “Linux” route because somehow it makes such a huge difference. Is it because I fear that change in my life will ruin me? I know such things cannot make significant differences however I continually act like they do and that alone makes no sense.
You know, the kid that used to be in my Algebra II class, he asked pretty simple questions for whenever I ever made mention of Linux. He asked me why I used it. He simply was like, “Why? What does it offer? Why would you use it over Windows?” and I simply wanted to avoid the answers of “privacy” or similar things and I tried to make it sound like it were better. He was right, he has been aware he’s right, and I listened to his word for a great amount of time. I trusted his thought, because I believed it to be the right thought that I want to have myself. Somehow though, something was lost in that time-frame. I wish it weren’t lost, but there’s nothing I can do to get it back.
I just want to have some level of peace in my life while still having the ability to create. I don’t want to spend my time distracting myself with fixing my operating system or whatever, it’s better than thinking about how I will never understand anything about this world, how I’m going to die, and how I’m a tiny little ant. However, it would be best if I were spending my time actually creating things instead of having beliefs that switching operating systems will somehow invoke something from within me to finally “get” the creative juices moving.
I think it’s about time for me to complete the cycle even though I’ve been at war with myself whether or not I should actually complete it. The reason I’m going complete it is going to begin within this paragraph so hopefully it is something comprehensible to me when I eventually start the cycle up again. Essentially, I’m switching back because of the thoughts I had before I actual begun the cycle, the time where I had backed up my files but ceased any of the actions of actually installing a new OS. These thoughts were like, “Well you have more options for creation on this operating system,” and, “This won’t make any actual difference and you will switch back at a later time.” These thoughts were true and I listened to them for quite a long time but unfortunately, they did not last. I guess this can come with the benefit of a purely clean Windows install because I would not be surprised if I had any level of ransomware or something similar on that system because of the choice of pirating software from less-than-ideal places, especially for adobe products, and getting a VMware popup in the bottom right corner without anything actually working is at the bare minimum, worrying. It’s like I’m constantly at war with my mind; I feel like I must be stripped of this level of control because otherwise I’m constantly stuck being tortured over and over.
I don’t think there is any other human being who has been this level of retarded while also having this level of sophistication. It’s oddly amusing to any outsider I’m sure, because I’m retarded to be obsessed over such things like described here, whilst also having the capacity to write so much about my awareness of my retardation and still giving into it because I somehow don’t have control, and my justification is that; I’m just an ant or something like that. Because I’m not a human being. It’s almost like these words mean nothing to myself or even others.
I’m going to be honest; I don’t want to complete the cycle. I don’t want to be connected with these other people. I don’t want to have the option to be connected to them. One might just say “Just don’t then, you fucking moron!” and I would agree with them wholeheartedly, but then why, why don’t I just do it? I am aware of it, I am aware of what I’m capable of doing, I just don’t do it and it just makes no sense as to what I’m thinking. I hate all these thoughts and I don’t think I’ve increased any level of understanding of myself as a result of starting this cycle again, either. Yes, I’ve been able to pressure many words out of my mind into some document that will be incomprehensible to my future self, but who does that actually help? I don’t think it helps anyone, and I think I’m only going to make myself suffer the longer I put myself through this, so I’m done for now. I have no intent in sharing this with anyone, I likely will struggle to read through it on my own, but in the case of my future self who might be reading this, I have a few words to say to you.
I’m really sorry that I’ve wasted so much of our life doing things like this. I hope whatever you’re using time for in the future is fine and dandy for what you do. I think it’s extraordinarily silly that I’ve gone back and forth like this. I just don’t know why I’ve done it and even though I’ve written down the reasons, it’s back and forth, as if they’re equal but I have to choose one in the end. I have to make something in the end. I have to write something in the end. It’s kind of ridiculous how I choose not to create because I’d rather fantasize about how I’d like to create and that the solution to creation is to go in circles like a cat chasing its own tail. I must find salvation, I must relax. I must understand myself. I think I have to shower, maybe you have to shower too, maybe you just showered, maybe you haven’t showered in a month, I don’t know what you’re like. I’m sure you’re a lot more similar to me than you’d like or that I would like, because we both would like a large amount of change in ourselves. Who wants to be the same person forever? I sure as hell don’t, and I know you don’t either, unless you want to stagnate as whatever you are, which could be the problem with me and the solution you have is the right one. Ah well, I think my time is up and I have to eventually calm myself down or else I won’t find my temporary salvation in this creation process.
I just want to feel the eyes look away for a little amount of time, they’re so uncomfortable to have staring at you. That’s what I love so much about this world, this side, the number of eyes staring at you are at such a lesser amount that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. Think of yourself going toward the sun, unavoidable with no force to stop you, that’s what it feels like to have all those eyes staring at the human flesh and bone, peering right through it, aware of each part of the mind, too. It’s just embarrassing to be this human being and that’s what the eyes see constantly and I can’t do anything about it, other than run in circles like I have been for years rather than actually doing something about it, rather than improving myself, rather than actually making some fucking change in my life. It’s like I still don’t have any control, even after all this time, and I’ve been making active choices to not have the control, I know I can’t have the best of both worlds, I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I ask myself though, why not? Why can’t I have that?
It’s just not fair, nothing in this world is fair, and everyone is aware of this fact, but what will fighting back eventually lead to? It will lead to change of course! That’s why human beings can’t leave their mouths shut forever!
Ironically this whole document has been going in circles like the cycles it was initially created for. I was aware of this as I going through the cycle of writing it too, but this is the first time I’ve written this much about cycles, in the history of me writing.
The following day, and what do you know, I’ve completely switched back to Windows. It’s like I didn’t even know what I was doing the day previously. I don’t understand why I committed those actions, why I thought it would make a difference, or even what would I do a few moments afterwards. Today, ironically, I feel just as horrible though. It’s like I’m being tortured constantly, always in a state of discomfort, and I really just don’t know what to do with myself besides cry, and I just won’t ever cry. The utterly perplexing feelings I constantly experience makes it so hard to carry on with the act of living. One day I wake up and don’t have the thoughts of ending my life, and then the next I do. It’s hard to create anything when experiencing such things. I suppose this is the end of that specific cycle, although I’m sure it’ll spring back up when the time comes.
Another cycle that I experience that tends to stop me from doing things is the belief that I need something extra in order to commit an action. For example, I’m mostly in school at this point in my life, five days of the week for hours, and I thought of a way to take advantage of that time. I would write during that time, and it worked for a little bit. Some days I would write a lot and I enjoyed it, I was finally writing. My writing was not improving in any way, but writing at all is an improvement from doing absolutely nothing. Although this was an option most days, as I was bringing my laptop with me to school, eventually I stopped. With stopping, I found myself having no reason to keep the laptop, and eventually sold it when I started selling most of the goods that were just taking up space.
Now, I find myself in the same position where I find that I’m wasting most of my time when in school, having the urge to write while not having the option to, at least not comfortably. I could write on my phone, but it would be torturous, slow, and would probably completely ruin the interest. On some occasions I’m capable of writing an idea of what I want to write, but that doesn’t mean I’ll actually write it down at a later point. Rather, I just stop caring about the idea a few moments after I’ve thought of it, which is why I would bring the laptop with me in the first place! Back into the cycle, I search for laptops online that would do what I want them to, allow me to write to my heart’s content without being too heavy. Of course, if it were that simple, I’d just buy a cheap sixty-dollar Chromebook, however it is obvious that I’ve chosen not to do that.
The idea behind selling the laptop was that the screen was too ugly for the money it was worth, because it had a fine CPU and a fine amount of ram, and there were a few times where I would load up Civilization: V and play that for a small amount of time if I weren’t feeling the urge to do anything else. To my surprise, this somehow was not good enough for me, and I had to sell it because the thoughts and beliefs that I was going to downsize so far that I would only have one laptop that would be intended for everything that I do, including gaming, and that I wouldn’t have my desktop anymore. I have similar thoughts now, but I wouldn’t consider it a cycle, but it is a circular thought.
I’m still considering whether or not to complete the cycle once again, because it could bring great benefit to me. Another excuse to create further. Stripping myself of options is something that I hate. There is nothing more to love than options and freedoms, but with those, comes indecisiveness and the inability to commit to one singular thing. I intend to make mention of the lack of decisiveness in another document, as this one is purely dedicated to my cycles.
To broaden this cycle, I tend to think about forcing myself into things, the belief that thinking about buying something will make a difference in whether or not I want to actually buy the product. This is the cycle like mentioned above, buying a laptop for the intended use of writing, having the laptop, and refusing to use it, or using it minimally. Of course, this has arisen again, with the hopes that I would write with a new laptop, but also bringing something else to the table. Spending more money in order to buy a more expensive laptop that would allow me to draw. I hate the thought and I sort of understand it, but I can immediately strike it down because I know it has flaws. If I wanted to draw, I’d draw. It’s just that simple, I don’t need to spend money to find an excuse to draw, because if I really wanted to do it, I would already be doing it. This type of thought occurs with other things too, this is not an exception.
Another cycle relating to computers is the fact that I usually obtain some autistic obsession over something. The last thing I bought that was like this was the Core 2 Duo Dell Laptop. It isn’t good by any means, and I wouldn’t have bought it in my current mindset, but I have it now! I could make attempts to sell it like I did with the last laptop, but it would likely just result in the same thing, me losing money and time to another useless product I didn’t need in the first place. I probably could do some more things with it, but I’m constantly making the choice not to, because my interest to do so is so weak that I might as well not have it in the first place.
A mix of both that autistic obsession and literal use cases is something like the Pinebook Pro. It isn’t amazing as a laptop, but it also isn’t extraordinarily expensive. It makes an appeal to the autistic side by offering an ARM platform and being completely free and open source, and the company behind it also creates more products that are also free and open. So, not only do I have the ability to experience the things that make it feel like it’s appealing to a deep itch within my mind, it also can function as I need it to, a writing utensil. Just because on paper this is the case doesn’t mean I really should go ahead and commit over two hundred dollars on a product just yet. Time will tell where my mind goes.
I’ve struggled to some extent to start on this paragraph. I’ve made the decision to finally minimize. This is a cycle, in the past I had something I can only compare to mania of some sorts, where I lacked control and made the rash decision to pack everything up and that’s what I spent the whole day doing. On the other hand, I spent today mostly just doing my usual braindead existing, with ending it out by buying things that would allow me to minimize and packing up some things that I have to sell. I’m going to sell the computer, that’s the big money maker at this point, but I need at least the laptop before going ahead and actually committing to that one. Otherwise, I’m giving all these things up. The headset is going, and I don’t know if this circular thought of minimization will actually help me or not, but I’m going to try it in the hope that it will. Time will tell whether or not the third step in this cycle will finally take some shackles off, but time will tell. Perhaps I do truly believe that time will heal all wounds.
There’s a lot of cycles relating to materialism, which is why I have hopes that with cutting out materialism, it would also cut out a lot of the cycles. Which is somewhat true. Cycles ARE patterns. It’s a repeated pattern that I can pick up on, but generally lack control over.
In further introspection, I have a split brain of sorts. One side is hopeful of the future, my abilities, and what I can do and change. The other side is a realist, whom does not believe there can be a positive future where I can make an impact. Certain external variables can affect which side is more dominant. Whether it may be someone telling me how they feel, reading, or watching media, all of these can and will change how I feel and which side “takes over.” An example of this is something I read in The Genealogy of Morality in which Nietzsche says “As its power grows, a community no longer takes the transgression of the individual so seriously because they can no longer count as dangerous and subversive for the continued existence of the whole...” This impacted me in the sense that during that period of time when I read that, I was on the whole idea of standing against mega corporations and thinking that I could make a difference. However, the impact left me in such a “realist” state that I knew I had no personal power, I could not make a change, and that clearly, my effort was worth zilch.
Hopefully, I can learn how to overpower this and take advantage of it, if possible. Just controlling when that happens, could help stop me from making continuous cycles, like listed above. Maybe mental illness is a contributor in the cycles, but that’s something that cannot be proved yet. Personal tests only go so far, and seeing a psychiatrist is off the table right now, so the best I can do is try to calibrate myself. I’m going to read a book that will go over this “two mindedness” and I’m in the belief that this book will help give some insight to my problems. Something to build off of will be much more helpful than not, even then, I’ve improved significantly since the beginning, where I seemingly would freak out for no reason.