Prelude to Damage, written on: 9/16/22.
There tends to be something that happens before the depressive surge hits. In this case, it happened to be the fact I sent a lot of nudes, although it was to someone I’ve known for years. I never realized this was reoccurring until now. Along with this, all the thoughts of grotesque or uncomfortable things come to mind to haunt me. The amount of music I listen to also will increase. I will think about having complex conversations to people I thought were worth hugging. After I do something, there will be a thought after of, “I don’t actually care about this” and move on. Eventually, everything I do will have that same thought, including this. There is no reason to writing this at all, I don’t even know what I’m doing. When this hits, my libido will also plummet, zero sex drive at all. For how long, I don’t know. To be fair, it has been pretty low for a while anyway, it just been artificially increased because I wanted to pretend like I was pleasing someone else. Whatever it takes to fill the void, I guess?
I think there must be some kind of external force laughing at me, and I don’t know why it can’t leave me alone. For a second, I thought there may be some “debt” system, where you must pay your debt in order to get something in return, but I don’t think this is the case. If it were, I think I would be in a much better position because of how I feel. One could say that is there is a debt system, just that it isn’t balanced in the way you would like it to be. You pay for very little.
It is so odd that I want to be appreciated and loved? Is it so odd that I want to be the center of attention from someone else, without anyone else getting in the way? Is it so odd that I want someone to lust over me, and just me, and no one else? It’s frequently coming to my mind and it’s likely because of the cycles I’m constantly experiencing, especially with my instability.
Now, as of 10/12/22, I feel like it’s worthy to mention that with this obvious instability, those feelings are always in the moment and nothing more. They tend to not last more than a day, and the next morning, I’ll be feeling differently. Right now, I have no idea what I was saying in the past. Possibly the cycle part, but I have ZERO interest in wanting to be appreciated nor loved, nor being the center of attention. I have considered Lithium Orotate, but never went out and bought any yet. It may help after a week of use, but once again, I still haven’t tried it. It’s something I have to try in order to find out if it helps at all. I considered a supplement, I assume it will help, along with not needing a prescription to test myself with. Generally, there’s a baseline of depressive moods, I have never felt fully nor completely out of it, energized, and not horrible to some extent. With the use of drugs, yes, I can give myself the energy, but that’s all. At work last Sunday, I had some of that energy. It was after my 30-minute meal break, and the energy drink actually worked, and I could move my body as I wished.
Same date as the above paragraph, I also wanted to mention the fact that I’ve lately been rude and mean. Normally that would be more of a minimum related thing, so whether it is something that is here to stay or will go away one day I’m not sure. I’m not actively trying to act a certain way. All I’ve been doing is coping, just trying to get through each day. It sucks, and it really sucks, also, it sucks. I think outside factors can have a really strong effect on my mood. Having school five days of the week will cause certain moods to be favored, stronger depressive moods, and then slightly lesser depressive moods for work days. Both will have that baseline as a minimum, but it can only go downhill. Having a day off helps some, but being in this place does not help much.
Why you should kill yourself, written on: 12/7/22.
As a human being, you have to ask yourself of what “worth” you have. Some may have more worth than others, but it does not matter how much “worth” you think you have. It does not matter whether you are rich or poor, that does not derive your value. Rather, you should be evaluating what you do and how that impacts others. Even something like what actions you take towards minimizing the use of non-reusable fuels, despite it being irrelevant on the individual level. Every human being in a nation that has overcome the industrial revolution is constantly experiencing the use of fossil fuels, of which, destroy our planet.
Of course, using these fuels is pretty difficult to negate, as many of the things the individual person uses on a daily routine requires them. Take for example the average gas car, of which most are driving, is difficult to be rid of. The average worker-bee needs to get to work and back, possibly from an office, where that worker bee will be using some sort of electricity. Where does the electricity derive from? Well, that would be far from just one source. Funnily enough, two of those sneaky resources are coal and fossil fuels. There has been a decline in coal use, yes, but in developing countries, coal is the way to go! When western civilizations were developing, they were able to get away with using coal, and so, not having control over those developing countries, coal is the path to speed up their own industrial revolution, as they want their people to develop quickly. Unfortunately, this is horrible for air quality and the overall health of the Earth itself. In Beijing, the people living there have to endure the horrible breathing conditions because of the coal use. It is evident with its “yellow” color. As a human being using the electricity, you are aware you are using some amount of coal to do whatever it is that you are doing.
Not only is it an issue on the individual level, for those using these resources in order to survive, it is even majorly an issue for those profiting off of the harvesting of these resources. Perhaps the average person is not aware of their influence on Earth, or perhaps of what they’re doing to destroy it, or of what they’re buying that destroys the Earth. Ignorance is bliss, and this is inevitable, but there are also the people who do have the awareness of what they’re doing. To those who do have that awareness, you have to ask yourself why you continually make the same choices over and over again to destroy the Earth, and inevitably the people that will be born after you will have to deal with the aftermath of the choices you’ve made.
In a capitalist society, there will always be those who rise to the top, those who can decide what you will buy and what you won’t buy. Not in the sense that you are forced to buy any specific product, but instead, coerced into buying that product. Advertisements, social media, news, all of these work in conjunction in order to manipulate you into buying things you definitely do not need, which is something that isn’t inherently a bad thing. Humans want things, humans are materialistic, at least most of them, and because of that, they can be abused and manipulated. On the idiotic peasant level, there is nothing that can be changed besides the improving of education, which is unlikely to occur at this time. Although, those who are creating the product, advertising to us, and providing brain-rotting news to us, can make the changes. These are the people who should kill themselves the most.
Peasants, as those with money would most definitely acknowledge us as, are those who work to buy things and survive, and nothing more. Those who do have money, are able to do whatever they wish, because they live in the nation that allows for it. Not inherently a “bad” thing as some may imagine. If those who do have the money were interested in using it for good, the average person would prosper. Instead, the root of all evil, greed, takes over. These people who are producing the goods, harvesting the goods, have no care for the Earth or its state, have no care for those who are suffering because of their actions. Instead, the only thing these people care about is having more power, which is of course, more money.
These capitalists, many of which who did not earn their money themselves, can go about their lives doing whatever they wish. While the average peasant is stuck working their 9-5, five days of the week. Of course, this does not have to be a life of suffering. If that 9-5 was shortened, or altered so that the person was gaining something, learning something, or anything to make the person feel like their life is not a waste and that their time is valuable, there would be no issue. Instead, there is still an issue at hand. It’s quite the opposite. Rather, those people are stuck suffering doing some tedious or brain numbing type task that has no impact on their life, is instead left in a horrific state, assuming they are a person who has any ability to critical think. Those people have to drive to work, need electricity to work in their place of work, need more fuel over and over, for everything that they do. So be it, so be it that these people are stuck living a life like this, but nothing is being done to help them. Those who are on top, are making sure these people are paid the minimum amount, and maximize their suffering. They destroy the world with their choices that force the people into these positions, on top of the creation of goods and services.
Perhaps the average person cannot do much, whether the fault of their own or someone else’s, they have to continue living. If the person wishes to rid of their life, that is fine too, as we all can think and decide our own fate after some time. Unfortunately, this does not mean that the average peasant is “evil” or should “rid” of themselves because they must care for the environment. They have had no choice in the positions of using a gas car or being selective about the electrical company they buy from. Instead, it is those who have decided for them, decided for the people, without the people knowing. Stripping quality education from them, so they are clueless and ignorant to their current situation. Then told, of course, that they are the cause of the problems, and that they have to self-reflect. While it is quite the opposite, and the people should do something about it now, before its all too late.