Written on 11/22/23.
Why is it so difficult for me to find minds that think similarly and thus I can become friends with? There are a couple possible answers to this question but I remain uncertain. These could be: I’m a rare person, I’m socially inept, or I’m not looking enough nor in the right places. Of course, even if none of these are true, or all of them are, merely considering any of them possible may lead to understandings that otherwise would have not been seen.
Being a rare person does not inherently mean I have depth, or am interesting, or even that I have intelligence. However, it does mean that I am unlike others; the majority of others. In reference to people, opposites do not attract, but instead, those who are similar attract. Someone who likes Team Fortress 2 will have something in common with everyone who also likes Team Fortress 2. Although this does not mean that everyone who plays TF2 will like others that play TF2. There usually has to be many common interests, and many similarities in personality type. Logical thinkers will attract other logical thinkers. Abstract thinkers will attract other abstract thinkers.
Even with all the possible nuances within a person, fundamentally, conversation will tend to be bland. Personally, it takes energy to talk, and to talk about abstracts, it takes even more energy. I have a smaller than average social battery (which I have decided myself, therefore if I want to have a larger than average social battery, I can), so while I can get the ball rolling, I need someone to take over pretty quickly. However, if I’m introverted, and I attract introverted people, how will they keep the conversation going? They won’t, it will stop, or it won’t even start. Those who are extroverted will likely have never even let me get a word in, or if they do, it will be brushed off. My ideas will be left unheard or ignored. Keeping up with an extrovert takes especially high amount of energy. I can take in all their information, but it is incredibly difficult to give back an equal amount.
Most people like to hear what they’ve heard a thousand times; they like to be told they’re right, and they love disregarding others who think differently. Even by my own friends, I will be mocked because of things I like that most people have moved on from. People will think I’m full of hubris because things I like correlate with those who they find “intelligent,” and so I can’t be an average person, therefore I’m unable to connect with them. With this, I am adaptable in conversation, however many are stringent in what they are willing to say or consider, so they can’t flow from one thing to the next, they’ll just stop and the conversation dies.
These characteristics alone don’t make me “rare,” however, they demonstrate strong differences between myself and others, making it difficult to form friendships or meaningful conversations. I genuinely don’t think I’m rare nor do I find myself to be rare, but I notice how I’m unable to connect so easily like others are. Some people are bond easier than others. Maybe because I struggle to bond, this is an indication that I lack what others have already, socially speaking.
I don’t think I’m autistic, nor do I have signs of autism, but I could still be socially inept. Being able to analyze how people act and why they act in certain ways doesn’t mean I’m going to repeat them. I don’t like doing the same repeatable things, because if I do so, I’m going to attract people who are also repeatable, which is undesirable. I want people who are also different, who think different, who act different. Unfortunately, wanting to attract the “different people” is going to mean the mass amount of people are washed aside, and those who act and put a mask on won’t fit into my searches.
However, a key part in finding people that are different is going out of my way to be the initiator. If I continually write off people who I think are probably boring, or probably normal, or probably think the same as everyone else, what are the chances that I’m writing off someone who is interesting and thinks differently? I have no idea, because I would have had to actually go out of my way to talk to them for a little while to find out. With being so picky, it also makes me seem like I can’t tolerate anything “lower” than myself. The meaning of “lower” refers to intelligence or the level of conversation someone is capable of. Struggling with normative conversation is one part of the game. If I make attempts to stray away from the boring conversation, and start something that’s a little more thought provoking, depending on the reaction and responses, it is possible to find someone that fits the bill or has the ability to.
I was not always this way. The switch flipped at the beginning of puberty, however, before then, I was also normal. Normal in thought, actions, and beliefs. This made it a lot easier to connect with other children because all the children acted the same, and we were all taught to conform anyway. With time, the internet, and different people on the internet, I had changed. Information changes people, ideologies that otherwise wouldn’t have been considered change people, and is this not applicable to everyone at any age?
People can change at any time for any reason. Whether it be a change in lifestyle, the people they associate with, or drugs, someone can change fundamentally quickly if it is meant to be. If my goal is to find people to connect with, can I not also be a catalyst in order to change them and allow them to “have more depth?” Perhaps all they need is a push, or all I need to do is dig deeper within them and find the depth, rather than writing them off as shallow without giving them a proper chance to show me their true colors. If I’m not trying with people, how will I know if we’re compatible or not? Perhaps I can socialize, but I’m not socializing because I feel as if no one is worth socializing with, which is not true.
If I’m not looking at all, then of course I’m not looking enough or in the right places. It’s like being in a room of people and looking upon them like, “None of you fit the arbitrary categories I’ve set up myself, why don’t any of you fit them?” A new approach is necessary in order to actually create connections and make them worthwhile. In this new approach I must: not judge people, think of everyone as equal, move on from my depth/shallow categorizations, and be a little more understanding to how people act.
I judge people based off of quick interactions, their body language, and the first conversation(s), all of which could possibly give a general idea of the person, but it can’t be the indicator of whether or not the person is boring or interesting.
I constantly want people who are “deep,” but if I’m finding out whether or not people are shallow or deep, I have to interact with them for a while to find out the truth of the matter. Of course, I could also invoke the beginnings of “deepness” by introducing theories or anecdotes that make the other person start thinking of their own, learning on their own, and returning back to me with their increased knowledge. If I actively choose to not take the first step, how can I hold the expectation that all those that don’t take the first step towards me are empty? I can’t, and this becomes a fundamental problem in wanting to finding people that I may like or may not like.
It’s a matter of making change. If I want people that are interesting or have that depth that I’m oh-so desperately looking for, I’m left with no other choice but to make them have that depth, giving everyone a chance, and in doing so, finding connections I wouldn’t otherwise have made or learning that some connections are just not possible. It’s a game you have to play, and sometimes I’m willing to play, while at other times, I’m not. It depends on the desperation I’m currently experiencing, if I need connection, I’ll make do, if not, I will walk alone.